Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Half Moon Bay Walk #7 with Linda

We took pictures holding hands! Even at the same time. My photo to the left Linda's to the right. 

Linda is a woman I met through Laura's Bad Art Night. She comes across as a quiet shy woman but in truth she is just soft spoken with a lot to say. I had a pretty intense conversation with her this weekend at the COCA Studio Art Crawl. We had set up Monday as our walk time the week before and I was excited to get back out and about walking in Half Moon Bay. A few women I had met said they loved my idea but they didn't want to hold hands. And I am now glad that during my time in Half Moon Bay I didn't waver and do a bunch of none holding hands walks.

Linda called me up the night before our walk and asked if her husband, David could come on the walk...she wasn't sure how that would look but David wanted to talk some photos. I was a bit tired after a weekend of trying to sell art and not really selling any. I said "Well, sure. Tomorrow we can figure out what that looks like." I have done three person-ed walks but once again I wasn't so into it...it doesn't let me get to know one person with any sort of intensity.

So I got up early and Linda and David met me at Laura's house around 830am. I was a bit tired but pulling it together to go for a walk. I set up the boundary that it was cool if David walked with us as long as we sort of got to keep the autonomy of the walk to being Linda and I. That I wanted to cultivate a conversation with Linda. David was ok with that, and away we went.

I have been on a few walks on Poplar Beach by now. So it was a cool feeling to get to show Linda the pathway to Smith Field from the bluffs of Poplar Beach. Linda pointed out the hawks and other interesting natural wonders we were seeing. Which are most definitely here in Half Moon Bay and Linda's excitiemtn buoyed me up while I felt sort of blah.

I have to admit it was a little strange to know we were sort of being followed/tailed by David. It felt weird not to bring him into the fold and make it a more equal relationship of walkers. But I just felt the need to give Linda her walk. She was the one that was eager. We walked through some tree groves, we looked at the beach, our conversation stayed light and about nature. Linda and David live by a great nature preserve where you get to see amazing animals at low tide. I would love to go there.

As we walked I got tired and felt the urge to turn back, we walked a bit more and I realized if I am not giving off the supportive energy it is ok to try to receive some of it from the person you are walking with. I remembered to breath and be i this moment. It truly was a gorgeous day in Half Moon Bay.

As we wound back to Laura's I started to think about what bothered me about having David there. It is that I am supremely uncomfortable with being part of a couple or pair. That I have decided it is bad or at least weak to have someone to share things with. Which is a crazily silly thing to think. Linda has a web of people and she excepts it and embraces it. I am sure it isn't always easy but she has someone to share life with.
I forgot to talk a photo of Linda and I. here is my photo of Linda.
and her photo of me.
As in all walks there was an aha moment, a theme. And there it was we are all part of a web of people. No matter how hard we try to get out of it. After the walk, Linda read my response to the walk. She said "Oh I am sorry. I wish you could ahve enjoyed the walk more." I then opened up and told Linda and David about how I was going through a hard time. That I was learning to really let go of the expectations of others and how hard it was for me. That is wasn't Linda, heavens no!, that made me feel bad. It was that I am in sort of a large moment in my life. And miraculously David told  me a similar story of his journey to leave behind expectations. We spoke at length about it. I could hear anger. I could hear defensive language about choices made. And it gave me an outside view on my own torture, my own useless torture. I explained to myself more than to David and Linda how at some point you can't blame anyone else for your actions. You have to start living for yourself. And guess what? At 32, the fact that I am realizing that now. Feels like a head start! Linda reminded me that my family loves me. And she is right. Though they don't understand my journey. They still love me.

Some of us have a long journey to peace and calm. While it seems others have a short one. Mine has been one filled with panic and grand adventures. Anxious to not waste the life I was given and get to it's meaning as fast as I could. Proving people wrong that I was anything but the most brillant. Well now, I don't much care for what other people think. I am on a journey to my own crafted comfort and joy.

I learned from my tired walk with Linda that it isn't all about me. I was able to give Linda a great walk. Not make it about me. And I learned that we outcasts are not a lonely group we are a searching group and it is a worthwhile journey. I am ready for some comfort and joy. Less sadness, blame, and confusion. Thank you Linda. Thank you David.

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