I met Brad this January; the last time I was in LA. I had come down a mountain. Cleansed. Having just been in a sweat lodge. I was five pounds lighter and in a very good place. I had sweated out and prayed for my ex. I had lifted myself, my ancestors, my family, and my ex up into the Cosmos. I had let it all go. I had cried, yelled, sweated, let some shaman woman lean on me...cause honey it was 50 degrees hotter in the inner circle. Brad was living with my friend Lara for a few months as he moved downtown later in the year. And Brad had read MY book. Brad had read my "Walk with ME" book. Now I know there are probably a good 50-100 folks that have read it. But the thing is none of them who hadn't been one of the 47 walks had wanted to talk to me about it. Ok, I may be a bit dramatic. But Brad had read the whole darn thing! and he had questions. So after cleansing for 3 nights. Freezing my ass off in a tent. I had a lovely 3 hour conversation about my work with a handsome roommate. We covered lots of ground and talked about some pretty intimate things. Even the book can make that stuff come up. And I felt comfortable talking about my transformation;with running, with the project, with leaving LA. I didn't flirt with Brad because I most definitely consider myself not in the league of the women Brad must date.
So that day, Brad said he would come on a walk with me. Brad, got there on time even with the traffic. Brad is effervescent and yelled out "You ready for the best walk yet?" or something to that effect. Which speaks volumes because within minutes Brad was telling me about how he wanted this to be my best walk. Could I just tell him that it would be the best walk. Brad works in marketing. I work in marketing. I am sure he makes double what I do. since he works in the for profit world. But it means that there are similarities to our personality. We both could move planets if we so chose to do. Brad pulls you in. And he could make many a person do things they never thought they would do with his smile and charm. Much like me that masks a large desire to be liked and desired. I get Brad and I get that we are both learning the blessing and curse of being so god damn charming.
Brad and I walked along the loud Hwy 5 path. Talking about intimacy. This walk was a huge stretch for Brad. He does not hold hands much. And he told me. This walk terrified him. This was a place Brad did not go. Well isn't that the greatest of things. To push someone to open up and be present with themselves even if it fucking hurt. I wanted to tell Brad it was the best walk ever. One because he is super handsome and makes me nervous. But two, because as he was letting go of his charms they still made me want to fulfill his needs.
As for me, we talked about me letting go of what I thought I needed to do and figure out what I WANT to do. Brad called these Big Boy Thoughts. And indeed they are.
Brad calmed down and we had a lovely walk along the river. I let go of my needing to impress Brad and Brad did the same. Brad is trying out some big changes in his life. And there is a part of me that feels like I met him to encourage him to grow as a person. He is such a god damned shining light. And I don't think he knows it yet. But I feel it and see it. And well it makes me realize that maybe I shine that bright for others too. That maybe Brad and I can turn down the charm and just let people in. Even if we are not the best. Even if it isn't perfect. Even if it hurts. Brad and I are going to stop pleasing you and start figuring out what pleases us.