Monday, April 13, 2015

Walk with Me: Ferrero Hills:Walk with Jonathan #5

Well, it seems right that I will try to write my blog about Jonathan and I's walk while being a bit ruffled under the feathers. A little bit stirred up in my soul. Cause that is how Jonathan met me. While I was a little bit stirred up in my soul. I was in LA, living with a woman that Jonathan had emailed through an online dating site. We all ended up at a local eagle rock restaurant with communal seating and Jonathan was ballsy enough to ask Jess if she indeed was the Jess he had met online. It led to the most lovely hour and half long conversation with strangers I had had in a long time. We all really clicked his friend, Jess, himself, and I. And Jonathan ended up helping with my resume and chatting on the phone and through facebook chat to support me through in the end deciding to go home. Since then many a heart to heart has happened through facebook and a few times Jonathan has had to stop me from spiralling by telling me he doesn't have time to talk. I am a worrier by nature and sometimes I need to drag somebody down there with me. Luckily, I know the signs and so do my friends so the worry spiral happens less and less.

ANYWAY, what I am saying is Jonathan is a very spiritual person who also deals with issues of codependency. He is committed to helping others, supporting them, and is interested in the pursuit of a spiritual existence here on earth. Yeah. Jonathan and I are two VERY INTENSE people. Who most definitely vibrate on a similar wavelength.

Truthfully, I was exhausted by the time my morning walk with Jonathan rolled around. I was dehydrated from the day of walking the day before and I had to push myself thinking about how great the walks with Jonathan and Brad would be this morning. Allison dropped me off and I waited for Jonathan to arrive. Slowly eating and drinking water. Jonathan rode up on his motorcycle and I had to smirk. It is so Jonathan to get a motorcycle to express his joy for life. It seems calculated on his part. His idea of freedom.

It has now been awhile since we walked. But it doesn't take away the main feeling. Love. Pretty much open and unadulterated love. We opened up and walked with love. The wind was a bit cool at this time of day but Highway 5 roared by us on this path. But we made the most of it. I could lean into J and feel comfortable. We switched to a more intimate hand holding position. We spoke about Jonathan's latest trips to Deer Park. We spoke of attachments that maybe aren't appropriate. And I mused that that is why we spend so much time on them. Because it is easier to beat yourself up over a love you can't have. Than one that you can have and have to work day to day to have. J and I are romantics. It is much easier to be a romantic over the course of a walk then to be a romantic every day.

I mentioned I had met someone that might be someone new. And overall it felt comfortable to talk about anything. J wanted to know about my new life and I got to tell him how well it was going. With or without a new beau.

We walked incredibly far to a bridge where we took our hand pics. Ironically, the pics of our faces were too close up to catch either of our faces fully. And maybe that is saying something about Jonathan and I. We are so close up. So allowed into each other's space. I can't see him fully and I lose myself too. It isn't good. It isn't bad. But with Jonathan I can let go and just not form my complete self.

It was hard for both of us to let go of the walk. But I had a walk right after. It felt a little awkward. Like going from one boyfriend to another. And it felt strange the Jonathan was still at the park when I finished my next walk. Someone too close. But that is where I want Jonathan. Too close. Someone to hug. Someone I know will not walk away from me because I have too passionate of thoughts or fall out of line. Jonathan understands my desire for closeness. Jonathan thinks too much and gets caught in his mind much like I do. And I love him for it. I love that if he is someone I love. Then there are men out there who are going to love me. Jonathan is an open loving person. And if I can see that in him. He sees it me. Thank God he sees it in  me. (Yes. I have teared up.)

This was a hard blog to right. Cause what I have been learning is to not share these SO wide open feelings with everyone. I learned that on this walk. I stayed in my center and gave what felt ok to give Jonathan. And here I am telling you all these intimate thoughts on how boundless and contracted Jonathan and I are. How we give immensely but deep down I think we want something in return from everyone we give it to....I think that is what Jonathan and I are trying to let go of as we search for a deeper level of the spiritual in the everyday.

I drew a circular form with a canoe like form underneath it for this walk. And that is what Jonathan is for me. A life boat. That sounds like such a demanding all consuming job but the thing is most of the time we are gliding along and we don't even notice each other. That is how good we are at our jobs. But yes, when times get rough...that canoe, the support is noted, and essential.

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