The last year I keep talking about this being my "in-between" year. That I need to ride out this in-between space. The fear, the emotion, the joys, the fatigue. But the longer I am here. The more I realize that this "in-between" is the juicy spot. The spot where life is. The place where I get to explore and keep growing. I don't want to stop doing that. some people judge my actions as wrong, failure, or just plain crazy and what I learned this last year is they are all wrong. It is nothing so black and white. Life is a grey area. It can be fun. It can be misery. You build what grey means to you.
For a year, I didn't have a home. On purpose. I packed everything. Gave things away. And I left LA. I traveled. Did a residency. I am still processing what I learned from Walk with ME travels. Now I am in Minnesota. And the "in-between" doesn't end. I moved into a duplex that a day in became a duplex with a leaky roof. Leaking right into my roommate's room. A lapsed landlord who didn't seem worried about any of it. Even after an inspector came out to the house. A house he shares with us. as he is our downstairs neighborhood.
Here I was, "settling down" and well my roommate and I have to move. With that, I realized with being in a very good emotional place. I wanted to live alone. Battling depression on and off for years, I have done some great work and feel ready to truly take care of myself. It is truly work. This means looking at lots of things I have covered up. This means not being co-dependent on anyone. It doesn't end. New experiences throw me into emotions I haven't let myself feel. Liking people. Romance. Things I have ignored or shunned. I am now letting in and it throws me for a new loop. All these choices about sex, love, and companionship. What do I want it to look like and how does it feel?
How does a 33 year old take it slow? How do I ask for what I want and not feel hurt when dudes just want to sleep with me?
As I walk down Second St. a butterfly lands on a flower. It is a gorgeous large yellow and black butterfly. I wait to get a better look following it's loopy journey to the next flower. So here I am in the "in-between"... realizing that life is allowing life to keep you on this edge of knowing and unknowing. Of protecting yourself while letting yourself be open. The "in-between" is also about career, family, and spirituality. I am always wanting more. Feeling less than. Than leveling out and realizing what I have is awesome and enough. Riding these waves better than ever before, now I have the job of finding out what I truly love. I love a butterfly. I love a good book. I love seeing where a path can take you.
As I walked to work, I thought about this next year alone in a new apartment as my time to see how things go. To let go. And just create a place to rest and not push. Not take on the next big project but just what see what project comes to me...to see what men come into my life and what they can bring me. I love dreaming up the next travel adventure and asking the world for what I want. I am done seeing myself as unfulfilled because I can't afford to travel the world. But rather see what I gift I have finding adventure in a walk to work and a trip to the lake. I hope for balance. But mostly, I hope to be ok with this "in-between" that is life.