I am back in Los Angeles, almost
frantically looking for a job and a new apartment. Luckily, I have a very kind
friend who is letting me sleep on her couch for as long as I need. And she
means it…much like the first time I moved to LA and Dave said the same thing.
He was astonished when I found a place in the first two weeks I was there. We
shall see how things go this time around.
Nothing I write here can encompass the feelings I have now. That numbness that comes from overwhelming feelings...of fear for the future, and so much gladness for the months I had in Half Moon Bay. How I got to rest. How I got to create.
I need to blog about the culminating Walk
with Me event in Half Moon Bay! Before it slips out of my mental finger tips. I
was lucky enough to get a holiday gift of a flight down to see my sister, her
husband, and the main attraction, their lovely 6 month old baby boy. So for the holidays I
headed to my family's house and then we flew down to my sister's house for New
Years. I dyed my hair purple (!) and pink before the holiday and was quite the
show at family holiday events. I loved my sister's response which was "Oh
maybe I want to do that!" Which always makes me feel better when I do
something considered wild to my midwestern family.
So I got back to Half Moon Bay after a
holiday with my family just days before the event. I had big plans to get a
massage and to do yoga at Enso, a great place right on the beach that does lots
of yoga classes. But instead I jut got ready for the event, and went about
packing up my belongings at Laura's. It all went very fast! I had gotten an
interview in Los Angeles and I needed to get back days after the event.
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| Photo by Vicki Cormack |
What was fantastic about the day of the
event is that the sun came out just an hour before we were slated to meet! As I
looked out at the fog when I woke up I thought….well less people will come now. So, I felt lucky when the sun burned it's way through that fog.Things went very smoothly. I must admit.
Laura helped out immensely, making a sign at the beach that hung from her van.
I had a videographer coming. A reporter coming. And 19 people on Facebook
signed up. While not everyone on Facebook showed up we had about 20 folks
there! And it felt like a victory. I have held workshops in LA, and had one
person show up. I have had collaborators run workshops, FREE ONES!, and no one
show up. It is a scary thing to plan events cause you never know if anyone will
come. It was a magical group of folks, some people I had done individual walks with,
others strangers, even one family that was too nervous to walk with a stranger
but walked three astride down the beach.
I had planned on not walking but one of
my favorite walkers, Linda didn't have a partner and she didn't seem
disappointed by the idea of walking with me again. So after we hung out making
sure no one else was strangling in. We started walking, meeting one of her
friends and then we walk down the beach.
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| Photo by Vicki Cormack |
Instead of talking about Linda and
I's walk which was filled with lovely insight about love and disease. And about
my future and going forward. I am going to put little snippets from the
walker's reflections up on the blog. Along with written words the participants drew some pretty amazing images. This was the only walk I didn't take a single photo on. I
just tried to be present and get through this event. Which is now emotional for
me. At the time I was just a bit numb/overwhelmed but I did do a good job to
connect to each participant and enjoy the day. Now, I feel the force of leaving this project to rest while I try to create a life in LA again.
Here are some themes/thoughts from the
writings of our walkers. I'll keep them anonymous:
"My intention for the year is to be
the best person I can be to give love to all."
"GRATITUDE:… THE OPENING OF
NEWNESS"
"being present…now now now now…NOW.
HIGHLIGHT: a kiss on the hand"
"the realization that I had to 'own'
my responsibility to these [my] relationships- and how I feel about
myself"
"Deep conversations about being
ourselves and enjoying, being okay with Who We Are even if not everyone else is
comfortable. ME IS OK."
"The holding hands energy changed as
out moods, talk, changed"
"being responsible and having life
filled experiences" (interesting words "life filled")
"More and more it's apparent that we
are all facets of the same jewel, simply reflecting light differently.
The rhythm of walking is conducive to
emergent harmony, understanding, and if it takes root, wisdom…Let us reflect
the best of one another's light."
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| Photo by Vicki Cormack |
It was interesting to notice who was
comfortable talking about what they felt or said, and who focused on their
partner, or those who reflected the environment back onto the page. I loved
that there was a recognition of challenging times interweaved with the love of
magical gratitude. That the tough times come but creativity and healthy routine
mitigate some of the pain.
What I really enjoy about these
reflections are how they are about connections and that taking care of yourself is
a part of healthy relationships and a commitment to others. How amazing to
think of one another as reflections of ourselves and that when we focus on each
other we all can shine a little brighter. Being present today to shine.
Enjoying the beach, the sun, the surf, the cold, whatever life throws at us can
be so much more endurable with someone else's hand in yours. No questions
asked. Think about how we can do this emotionally for those around us. Let's
stop dreading the call from Mom, or the needy relative, the intense friend with things to tell you, your teachers, your mentors, a cute guy or lady, the nosy neighbor, the loud
drunk on the street, every single one of them you can approach with
non judgement. Sometimes the right move is to not pick up the phone if you will
cause another pain but mostly it is time to realize we have time to be present
with one another.
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| Photo by Linda Theroff |
I have to admit sitting here on my
friend's couch just a week and a day after the event, I am just keeping myself
together. I am doing the crazy thing of re-entering life in LA. I am trying to
get a home and a job and wow if that doesn't feel foreign and kind of awful to
me. I want everything figured out YESTERDAY! But let me tell you what. I am broke. I need a job! And that is when the
energy swings and I think "Wow, wouldn't it be great to just have a job? I
don't need to travel all about and be constantly changing things….wow, can that
happen?" Cause what I have learned is no matter how stable we think we are
things are always changing. Yeah I did an extreme thing in some people's minds,
leaving my apartment, leaving my job, and leaving my life behind to go hold
hands with people. But damn if I didn't learn a lot about myself. Though life
is stressful, I feel grounded and real in new ways. I feel beautiful and lucky
to be here. I feel sad and devastated about how our culture works and what we
hold dear. But I am ready, to face it and know I can't go it alone. That my
friends and family are integral parts of my success.
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| Photo by Linda Theroff |
Perfection is no longer my
goal. I don't know the plan. I want to. I want to control the plan. But I am
putting it out there. I think there is a force, many call God, that leads us
along. As an academic and an artist, I have trouble talking about the
ineffable. I just can't explain in any other way my amazing life. The friends
that for the past 8 months have housed, fed, walked, talked, supported me. I am
glad to know how strong the life force is within me through meditation and
interaction. That I am on the cusp of life, enjoying the view. I hope for more
connection in the future. I hope for a significant love of my life to come
along. More importantly I hope I can help others love life and live more fully.
I hope I find my path in creativity and healing to a more sustainable future.
Sometimes I think I will end up a nomad, going from healing to healing,
community to community….other times I see a home and a family…maybe it will be
both. What I learned from this project is be kind to those around you, stop
judging, start holding each other up, give freely, love mightily, and if you
feel like no one understands or that your path is a silly stupid idea….email
me, talk to me, walk with me…everyone of us holds important ideas and deeds. Be
the person to listen to others passions. Be the person who stops running around
in your own head and imperfectly create a world with others.
For me, know, I am giving up on knowing
where I am going next. I am going to reflect on the last 8 months. I am going
to open up my heart. I am going to keep eating right, exercising, smiling at
others, and reaching out. I am going to try to stop condemning my love of art
and embrace it. I am going to watch football and go to art openings. I am going
to be open to falling in love both with myself and someone else. Sounds simple? Nah,
but it is what life is made of.
As for this blog, I would like to keep it
going. Will I be holding hands more? I don't know. I told Stacy the reporter in
Half Moon Bay that I need a break. And well, I do. I have spent 8 months giving
a bunch of energy outwards and now I need to get my shit together inwards. So I want to be open to the
next round of walks but first I want to take care and get settled in LA. I am
talking to someone about maybe holding hands and walking along the LA River as
part of a performance series, so keep your fingers crossed on that. Otherwise I
am not sure, and for now, that is ok.
