Half Moon Bay walk with Me Group Walk

I am back in Los Angeles, almost frantically looking for a job and a new apartment. Luckily, I have a very kind friend who is letting me sleep on her couch for as long as I need. And she means it…much like the first time I moved to LA and Dave said the same thing. He was astonished when I found a place in the first two weeks I was there. We shall see how things go this time around.

Nothing I write here can encompass the feelings I have now. That numbness that comes from overwhelming feelings...of fear for the future, and so much gladness for the months I had in Half Moon Bay. How I got to rest. How I got to create. 

I need to blog about the culminating Walk with Me event in Half Moon Bay! Before it slips out of my mental finger tips. I was lucky enough to get a holiday gift of a flight down to see my sister, her husband, and the main attraction, their lovely 6 month old baby boy. So for the holidays I headed to my family's house and then we flew down to my sister's house for New Years. I dyed my hair purple (!) and pink before the holiday and was quite the show at family holiday events. I loved my sister's response which was "Oh maybe I want to do that!" Which always makes me feel better when I do something considered wild to my midwestern family. 

So I got back to Half Moon Bay after a holiday with my family just days before the event. I had big plans to get a massage and to do yoga at Enso, a great place right on the beach that does lots of yoga classes. But instead I jut got ready for the event, and went about packing up my belongings at Laura's. It all went very fast! I had gotten an interview in Los Angeles and I needed to get back days after the event. 

Photo by Vicki Cormack

What was fantastic about the day of the event is that the sun came out just an hour before we were slated to meet! As I looked out at the fog when I woke up I thought….well less people will come now. So, I felt lucky when the sun burned it's way through that fog.Things went very smoothly. I must admit. Laura helped out immensely, making a sign at the beach that hung from her van. I had a videographer coming. A reporter coming. And 19 people on Facebook signed up. While not everyone on Facebook showed up we had about 20 folks there! And it felt like a victory. I have held workshops in LA, and had one person show up. I have had collaborators run workshops, FREE ONES!, and no one show up. It is a scary thing to plan events cause you never know if anyone will come. It was a magical group of folks, some people I had done individual walks with, others strangers, even one family that was too nervous to walk with a stranger but walked three astride down the beach.

I had planned on not walking but one of my favorite walkers, Linda didn't have a partner and she didn't seem disappointed by the idea of walking with me again. So after we hung out making sure no one else was strangling in. We started walking, meeting one of her friends and then we walk down the beach. 

Photo by Vicki Cormack

Instead of  talking about Linda and I's walk which was filled with lovely insight about love and disease. And about my future and going forward. I am going to put little snippets from the walker's reflections up on the blog. Along with written words the participants drew some pretty amazing images. This was the only walk I didn't take a single photo on. I just tried to be present and get through this event. Which is now emotional for me. At the time I was just a bit numb/overwhelmed but I did do a good job to connect to each participant and enjoy the day. Now, I feel the force of leaving this project to rest while I try to create a life in LA again.

Here are some themes/thoughts from the writings of our walkers. I'll keep them anonymous:

"My intention for the year is to be the best person I can be to give love to all."

"GRATITUDE:… THE OPENING OF NEWNESS"

"being present…now now now now…NOW. HIGHLIGHT: a kiss on the hand"

"the realization that I had to 'own' my responsibility to these [my] relationships- and how I feel about myself"

"Deep conversations about being ourselves and enjoying, being okay with Who We Are even if not everyone else is comfortable. ME IS OK."

"The holding hands energy changed as out moods, talk, changed"

"being responsible and having life filled experiences" (interesting words "life filled")

"More and more it's apparent that we are all facets of the same jewel, simply reflecting light differently.

The rhythm of walking is conducive to emergent harmony, understanding, and if it takes root, wisdom…Let us reflect the best of one another's light."

Photo by Vicki Cormack

It was interesting to notice who was comfortable talking about what they felt or said, and who focused on their partner, or those who reflected the environment back onto the page. I loved that there was a recognition of challenging times interweaved with the love of magical gratitude. That the tough times come but creativity and healthy routine mitigate some of the pain.

What I really enjoy about these reflections are how they are about connections and that taking care of yourself is a part of healthy relationships and a commitment to others. How amazing to think of one another as reflections of ourselves and that when we focus on each other we all can shine a little brighter. Being present today to shine. Enjoying the beach, the sun, the surf, the cold, whatever life throws at us can be so much more endurable with someone else's hand in yours. No questions asked. Think about how we can do this emotionally for those around us. Let's stop dreading the call from Mom, or the needy relative, the intense friend with things to tell you, your teachers, your mentors, a cute guy or lady, the nosy neighbor, the loud drunk on the street, every single one of them you can approach with non judgement. Sometimes the right move is to not pick up the phone if you will cause another pain but mostly it is time to realize we have time to be present with one another.

Photo by Linda Theroff

I have to admit sitting here on my friend's couch just a week and a day after the event, I am just keeping myself together. I am doing the crazy thing of re-entering life in LA. I am trying to get a home and a job and wow if that doesn't feel foreign and kind of awful to me. I want everything figured out YESTERDAY!  But let me tell you what. I am broke. I need a job! And that is when the energy swings and I think "Wow, wouldn't it be great to just have a job? I don't need to travel all about and be constantly changing things….wow, can that happen?" Cause what I have learned is no matter how stable we think we are things are always changing. Yeah I did an extreme thing in some people's minds, leaving my apartment, leaving my job, and leaving my life behind to go hold hands with people. But damn if I didn't learn a lot about myself. Though life is stressful, I feel grounded and real in new ways. I feel beautiful and lucky to be here. I feel sad and devastated about how our culture works and what we hold dear. But I am ready, to face it and know I can't go it alone. That my friends and family are integral parts of my success. 

Photo by Linda Theroff

Perfection is no longer my goal. I don't know the plan. I want to. I want to control the plan. But I am putting it out there. I think there is a force, many call God, that leads us along. As an academic and an artist, I have trouble talking about the ineffable. I just can't explain in any other way my amazing life. The friends that for the past 8 months have housed, fed, walked, talked, supported me. I am glad to know how strong the life force is within me through meditation and interaction. That I am on the cusp of life, enjoying the view. I hope for more connection in the future. I hope for a significant love of my life to come along. More importantly I hope I can help others love life and live more fully. I hope I find my path in creativity and healing to a more sustainable future. Sometimes I think I will end up a nomad, going from healing to healing, community to community….other times I see a home and a family…maybe it will be both. What I learned from this project is be kind to those around you, stop judging, start holding each other up, give freely, love mightily, and if you feel like no one understands or that your path is a silly stupid idea….email me, talk to me, walk with me…everyone of us holds important ideas and deeds. Be the person to listen to others passions. Be the person who stops running around in your own head and imperfectly create a world with others.

For me, know, I am giving up on knowing where I am going next. I am going to reflect on the last 8 months. I am going to open up my heart. I am going to keep eating right, exercising, smiling at others, and reaching out. I am going to try to stop condemning my love of art and embrace it. I am going to watch football and go to art openings. I am going to be open to falling in love both with myself and someone else. Sounds simple? Nah, but it is what life is made of.

As for this blog, I would like to keep it going. Will I be holding hands more? I don't know. I told Stacy the reporter in Half Moon Bay that I need a break. And well, I do. I have spent 8 months giving a bunch of energy outwards and now I need to get my shit together inwards. So I want to be open to the next round of walks but first I want to take care and get settled in LA. I am talking to someone about maybe holding hands and walking along the LA River as part of a performance series, so keep your fingers crossed on that. Otherwise I am not sure, and for now, that is ok.

Happy New Year! and a look back at 2013.

Wow, wow, wow. What a year! I lived so many amazing moments it feels like three years in one.
2013 started with me crying in a bed. Or that is how it felt to me. I was in a job situation where no matter how hard I worked I knew I wasn't wanted. I was grieving for my very beloved Uncle Tom who had a heart attack at 65.

I was sobbing into a pillow Dec 31, 2012 wondering why I was so upset. Wondering why I couldn't stop crying. I had a job. An apartment. Friends. A great supportive family. But you know what? I wasn't living life my way. I was doing things right. Losing weight. Eating right. Working hard. And it wasn't enough. I am known for drastic moves. I am not one who can manipulate anything cause if I am not happy I can't hide it. I was very hurt that not everyone in the world loves me. So I freaked out. I sold off half my stuff. Sent the rest to my parents house.

This led to an amazing 8 months of learning. Of healing. To letting go. Things weren't too drastic. I knew I needed money and that I didn't want to take unemployment. So with the help over over 130+ friends and family I raised money on Kickstarter to travel "Walk with ME." I walked with 21 people in LA and 24 people starting in Boston, going to Gloucester, then to NYC, Pittsburgh, PA, Washington DC area, Asheville, and Durham, NC, a stop in Greenville to see my friend Todd and his wife Carol, and then to Athens Georgia to make some awesome posters for three weeks.

This trip was nothing short of amazing. For how smooth it went. For the love I felt with all of the friends I got to reconnect with along the way. For free meals, free coaches, free BEDS(!)...for FINALLY learning how to say thank you when I couldn't repay what I was given. For finally learning to be vulnerable. For learning that when things go wrong it doesn't mean something is ruined. So many lessons were learned on this trip. I landed in Boston hours before the bombing. I walked through the glass in Watertown where the bombers tried in vain to escape the authorities. I went to the finish line holding Alison's hand. I read Opal books. I got to see so many old friends. I went to the Smithsonian museums for the first time and Uncle Tom was there in the caverns of an old Chinese urn. I discovered the Cloisters and public gardens surrounding it in NYC, a magical place. I got upset at hippies for being so aimless in Asheville. I fell in love with Pittsburgh where I went to the Mattress Factory and Conflict Kitchen. I met cute boys in a couple cities. I drank too much and  met Michael Stipe.
With all of this, I made my first Artist Book chronicling the whole darn thing.

What I have never mentioned till now...is that I took Uncle Tom, literally, along the whole way. He was in my backback, some of his remains in a white box hoofed it from city to city.

After the craziness of all this travel and I will say, the fatigue of this travel I found my way to Minnesota to fall deeply asleep in my parent's basement for a couple weeks. While finishing up the "Walk with ME" book. Which was printed June 2013 with the amazing help of Alen. Who made this project feel and look professional. I showed the work at Fox Egg Gallery, along with the posters and monotypes I had made. It was all a successful ordeal though not at all lucrative. I made back the money I spent on pritnting the books. Even Steven as they say. I paid Alen what I could.

I then directed and produced my first performance piece to be performed in an honest to goodness theater! Highways. Hanna, Julia, and I performed LABOR-ation. A great piece about what I have learned the past year. Leaving my job, to find out what is out there beyond the 9 to 5.

I had planned the trip to Minnesota to overlap with the birth of my first niece or nephew....and Oliver came out a few days "late" but in time for me to spend about 5 days with him after he was born. I was holding him just hours after he was born. Sitting there smelling his new born smell, which is so sweet and addictive, I know I am now bonded to him for life. What a little gift to my family this boy is. I get to hold him, kiss him and laugh with him....singing songs to make him smile or look very serious. I love him bunches. So along with all this great art stuff was the momentous occasion of becoming an auntie or tanta as they say in German.

With a dwindling checking account, I headed to Half Moon Bay, CA. Where Laura McHugh is starting an artist residency out of her house near the beach. I spent a lovely 2.5 months working on visual art while taking walks with local Half Moon Bay-ers. In the first 3 weeks there, I trained and successfully ran a half marathon (actually 13.5 miles as the route was measured wrong).The mayor almost went for a walk with me. I walked with 11 amazing people and made 4 good looking paintings and another series of monotypes. I slept in. I meditated.

I took a trip to NYC for the Creative Time Summit. Which mostly caused me to have a panic attack. I met some inspiring folks though. And Jamie, who I walked with in LA, got to eat meals and visit museums together.

Then to finish the year, I spent 10 days doing a Vipassana meditation retreat. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. I learned an amazing breathing technique and an amazing meditation technique. For the first seven days I was so inside myself...the inside became outside. I didn't speak to others except to the teacher twice. I then had a very intense meditation experience and broke silence cause I thought I was going a bit cuckoo. I then held it together to finish the ten days.

I like to make grand statements and sparkling metaphors. It seems the important lessons are hard to put into words. I found that failure was the best teacher and led to the most amazing year. That grief was essential to my letting go of the normal and going for my dreams. That following our dreams is in one way a lot easier than I thought it would be and in other way much harder. I had to let go of where I am from to find myself and then learned that having a loving family is nothing to reject.

After sitting with myself for 10 days I learned, we go from love to hate within ourselves. That usually it isn't those around you that are causing emotions but rather your mind. Your mind is fed by what you eat and how you live. So if you are upset, depressed, or annoyed look at what you are eating/doing. Looking for the divine is the important part. Believing that there is more than meets the eye is extremely important. I learned how to calm down after 6 days of anxiety, or thoughts looping through and letting go of them. I came out of it a lot calmer and very disorientated.

After stripping down reality, and meeting a higher energy. I came back down and read The Goldfinch. I searched for the quote about failure in the book and I can't find it right now. But I did find this one...which I think my life revolves around a bit, "We have art in order not to die from the truth."  -Nietzsche Our reality is raw and overwhelming and we find ways to make it palatable. That is art.

I have proclaimed 2014 the year of the Inner Thigh. Where I continue to seek the spiritual in the everyday. Where I have a base of who I am down and now I go in for the detail. Where I will work on my core physically and spiritually. I am hoping to let more love in. As this year I have experienced love with so many old friends and my family. And I learned that abuse comes from someone else's need to be understood and not understanding that "understood" comes from within.

In 2014, I am saving up for a trip to Santiago, Spain. Or rather to the border of Spain and France, so that I can walk the Camino, a pilgrimage that takes a month to traverse. There are always more answers to be found. and heck if i don't like a challenge! I am researching when the next holy Year is...as I may want to wait to walk until then.

 In 2014, I will be open to a new life in LA. I hope to go to the Huntington Gardens and sketch every weekend. I am hoping to have a calm loving life with my awesome art friends around. I hope to not drink. Eat more veggies. Love my body whatever size it is. Run some more 5Ks. Find a gallery to show my next series of drawings. And realize how awesome my life is, over and over and over again. Now I have to go play with my nephew while I can.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Half Moon Bay Walk with Me #10 with Laura

I must say I come to this post a little rushed. As tomorrow I am leaving for a 10 day silent retreat. I am rather excited about this. But it means packing up, once again, and heading out on the road, once again. I have been moving a lot but I can say it has brought me to the right places at the right time.

Like meeting Laura for example. Laura is the woman that has been my benefactor. I think that word is strange but it is true. That she is starting a residency here in Half Moon Bay and that I am the first resident. I spent most of the last 3 months residing in her home and getting to use her studio to create art. Even while she was in France, I got to stay here and meditate and create. I feel so lucky to be here. It all happened because I went to the Women's Art Institute at MCAD (at the time it ow is at St. Cate's in St. Paul). She and I were housed in the same dorm room. I was around 26. I would like to think this is one of the many cases where me being open, kind, energetic, smart and artistic created a friendship. Laura and I stayed in touch and she even came to see me while I was a curatorial fellow at Otis. Laura has offered me a respite from the craziness of LA in the form of long weekends at her home.

Laura is in the beginnings of creating an art residency in Half Moon Bay. I was the first of what I hope to be many artists that get to be a part of the healing energy of Half Moon Bay. The ocean here is gorgeous and for artists trying to get away. This is the spot.

Laura used our walk as a time to pick my brain about strategy for working within community. I have a tendency once I learn something, to think that EVERYONE has learned it. That is not the case. Laura has questions and I have suggestions. Social practice artists don't have answers. :)

I think what came up for me during this conversation. Is how important the spiritual in art is to me. I have been trying to fit into this corporate world of art or art to make money world and it makes me sad. Life for someone as sensitive as me is hard. Truly. I find it difficult to put myself out there cause I don't want to hurt others and I don't want  myself hurt. It means I have to figure out a way to make money that isn't soul crushing.

Laura and I had a sunny walk along the beach then through the neighborhood back to her house. We ran into a local artist who just happened to have a check bounce from an employer. An interesting moment on a walk, where I have been living on the kindness of others, especially Laura, and here is an artist not getting paid for work already done. I don't know what the connection is. But it felt profound. To think, wow, artists sure to get the shaft by our culture. What if artists got paid for what they did. For how they inspire others. And how maybe some people are just made to explore and express themselves as their job. That it isn't even in that moment for anyone else. Maybe that is just how they survive.

It was comfortable to hold hands with Laura. I wouldn't say there was a deep connection made but I did feel relaxed and energized after the walk. I think Laura has taught me how to honor what I do. Not on the walk, but rather by giving me the space I have had the past 3 months. I hopefully have brought my energy to the growing art community.  

My hope for all artists, including Laura and myself, is more time to make art. Less time worrying about how we need to present ourselves. More time with community, less time having to worry about who that is. Laura's friendship makes me feel hopefully as we cross the divide in ages and backgrounds. We both have a lot to bring to the table. What I remembered talking to Laura is how the only way to cross an divide between individuals, groups, communities, and the world. Is through hard time sitting down at the same table. I can't wait to meet who will come to the table at Half Moon Bay. I hope to come back over and over and over again to this great community. For now though, I just can't afford the rent in Half Moon Bay.

Half Moon Bay Walk #9 with Colleen

I had a magical Thanksgiving. One filled with lots of gluten free pies (!!!!) and wine. I was wished away on Thanksgiving day after begging off responsibility to celebrate to work on job applications. Lainey of walk #8 waltzed up to my door and said "Get your butt out here! You are coming to Thanksgiving!" Where I met Tom and Jane from across the street and they were gracious and open to having a straggler come to their new home and their first Thanksgiving. It was an amazing day of chatting and then SINGING (!!!!!!!). It was glorious. And I met a bright young chemist, Andrew, who I hopefully be walking with in January.

On Friday, Laura had Turkey Day for her and her kids, and I was invited too. It was in the house I am staying at so I just had to walk out the door. I was a bit tired from the glasses of wine I had drank before singing "Big Yellow Taxi" the night before. Luckily all the once pie I ate soaked up most of the wine from the night before. Laura's family is totally awesome. She has loving kids who start at ages just a little bit younger than me. I am in the funny spot of a little bit older and friends with your mom. But for the most part her kids are really open to having me around as this weird artist person in the spare bedroom. I must say I think Californians in general are just more open. Even conservatives in they state seem more liberal in mind set to my Minnesota roots. Colleen, is one of Laura's daughters, and the twin of Kati, my first walk in Half Moon Bay. I celebrated Laura's Bday at her house a few months ago. She loves baseball. So we definitely have something to talk about.

First Colleen and I had scheduled the walk for Friday but after a long Turkey Day the day before, we pushed our walk to Saturday. Because Colleen is Laura's daughter I was worried she felt pressured into walking with me. But that quickly dissipated as we walked. As it was Thanksgiving weekend, there were a TON of people out with their dogs on Poplar Beach. We decided to walk on the beach. Which is quite the workout. :) And our hands were rather sweaty. Colleen and I look like opposites a bit. Or rather we joked that I was good at the connection of love while Colleen is good at the business of it. She had a 11 year relationship. Whereas I have had…an on again off again 9 month relationship…and that is pushing it…as a lot of it was off. Colleen has been thinking about relationships a lot as she is learning to be single and opening up to having new friends. If this isn't your first blog post you have read. Obviously we can relate to each other. we openly discussed relationships that we feel are inappropriate. We discussed what we want in men.

Two amazing moments stood out among the insistent chatter of our desire. Well, one wasn't really a moment. With Colleen being "all business" there is an irony to that….as the thing is…she is a lot more light hearted than I. She were walking along on our way back and I was just like "Wow this has been a great walk." Colleen agreed. And I thought to myself well hell let's take a breath and take a moment to celebrate that….So out I screamed "Wooooooooooooo!" and raised our hands being held a bit higher. With all the dogs and their owners running round the beach….I was like fuck it. I wanted to hold on to the light feeling that was growing in me…and Colleen without hesitation joined me. I am a serious one and walking with Colleen made me lighten up.

Another amazing moment was Colleen's reflection on relationships and loving yourself. I have spent years alone, figuring myself out, not wanting to muddy someone else up with myself. Finding yourself is all of life, it doesn't end. Colleen and I are so different and her insight was so enlightening to me. As I hope mine was to her. Here is an amazing thought, "Learning to love yourself is no excuse not to share yourself with someone else as you learn." I know, I know it isn't rocket science but in the moment it felt like finding gold in a bucket full of silt. We are taught lately to fix ourselves. Be perfect. Don't let anyone see your flaws. Well I am going to be really old before I can love someone if I wait for that. And I may want kids. Maybe. I know with all definite thoughts. I want to love and be loved. By friends. By a handsome man. By well everyone. :)

All sweaty and talking talking talking about illicit love as we rounded the bend back to Laura's house. What a walk. A foggy beach. A sunny feeling inside. Colleen made the most amazing drawing. That I have to share. Yes, it would seem that Colleen is purple heart bursting out…and maybe I was able to give that feeling to her. But truthfully, we are both a little of each heart. I mean isn't this project my way of bursting out from behind MY walls? I truly wish there was a way to keep doing these walks. Some way I could get paid to keep learning these amazing lessons. And I am really ready for a couple dates…

Half Moon Bay Walk #8 Lainey

As I probably have mentioned a few times now on my blog, I have been REALLY tired the past few months. It makes sense with all the traveling I am doing. Over the past three years, I have been making a slow transition from binge eating and drinking to eating right and in moderation. For the most part that has meant feeling a LOT better! But it seems that underneath all that bad behavior was some imbalances in my body. Things I now have to deal with cause I can't hide behind french fries as the reason I am feeling off. So I am taking lots of vitamins and getting lots of sleep. I tell you this cause I woke up, again, pretty tired for my walk with Lainey. It also feels that with each walk I am hesitant and a bit scared to go….even now after some 55 walks!

Luckily, all those feelings go once the great walk arrives. Let me tell you something, not so secret, Lainey is a great person. I am pretty sure that Lainey had not a clue that we would be holding hands on this walk. :) But she just said "Ok." And we started down the road. we negotiated what hand and she told me where she would like to start. Lainey is someone that has the most self possession of anyone I know. What does that mean you may ask? She holds herself with real true belief in herself. It isn't snobby. It isn't fake. She just really is calm and who she is. I don't know how old she is. But she has earned the right to believe in herself and she carries it magnificently. She isn't closed off at all. She doesn't throw herself at you in need. She is balanced and I find that miraculous. Truly. I guess it won't be a surprise that Lainey is balanced in her interests as she is in her person. She is an amazing blend of scientific knowledge and artistic knowledge. She can tell you about chemical elements and she will wonder over painting techniques. After a life of having to choose which side I am on….arts or sciences, her blend is refreshing. I spoke to her of my desire to learn about physical therapy and to her there was no hesitation to encourage me within that.

Lainey and I walked to the dunes of Kelly Beach. One of my favorite spots in Half Moon Bay. I walk there all the time. And I love it. Truly. The way the green of the plants and the bleached white of the sand make each other look so good. We then walked on the beach. A first for Walk with Me walks, I have avoided making people walk on sand because of the difficulty. But Lainey is fit and welcomed the sand. Actually she guided us there. We spent time watching pelicans. We spent time climbing up the rise of sand between wet and dry sand. About 3/4 of the way back to Poplar Beach Lainey said she would like to sit down. We immediately saw porpoises!!!!!!!!!!! Which no matter how long I have lived outside of Minnesota. I never grow tired of seeing those beauties. So we sat down and had an amazing chat for I think about an hour. About love. Art love. Man love. Society love. Lainey discussed with me on the walk the lenses we can look at our society. Beauty. Truth. and Goodness. What can we do as a culture if we can look through all the lenses at once. it reminds me of working in social practice art. We artists are not just interested in BEAUTY. We are interested in all the lenses working together to create a better reality. A more evolved culture. Wow. Lainey is a smart woman. And she knows chemical elements and what they look like in reality. That is pretty cool.

Our hands were pretty sweaty as we walked. Lainey would hand my hand then loosen her grip and then minutes later tighten her grip. It was very easy to walk with Lainey. Our gaits did not always match but we walked at about the same speed. After we sat on the beach fr so long. I felt like the hand holding part of our journey was over. Our connection was there on the beach. We still chatted away on our way back to the house.

As you can tell Lainey and I are very similar characters. We are committed to art. We see how it doesn't fit in so well with the culture we are living in but Lainey believes, and I try to believe, that if we learn how the system works and talk to others, things we want to see done, can be done. Lainey has worked in politics at the grass roots level and she fights hard and with knowledge for the environment and arts that she loves. The most surprising thing that occurred was the ending of our time together. In which Lainey created a song for our hours together! This is why this blew me away….who is open enough, present enough, joyful enough, to break into song? She told me, "Well, there isn't much I control in my life. There are other people and situations that do form my reality. But I can make a song about it. I have the freedom to play with my surroundings." Or something to that effect. WOW! just WOW! That is a great outlook. We/I/You are never going to be able to control everything, or the big things that surround you. But you sure has hell can take what you can control and make something beautiful out of it!

Here are some of the lyrics that Lainey created…which feel like a little life lesson she was telling me:
"It's a matter of fact.
It's a matter of keeping faith.
There is no looking back.
That's a matter of time.
But all you have to do is do it;
All that you can be is
all that you can do and be true to it.
All that you can be is true blue
It's a matter of fact"
She riffed on and it was amazing.

As a side note, I discussed my issues with my adrenals/thyroid and she said that she herself
has suffered with some of those issues. That she had been overweight and then when the issue was found able to deal with it….well if that didn't make me feel a bit better about my own struggles.

An amazing walk. Feel lucky to have walked with such an amazing woman.

Half Moon Bay Walk #7 with Linda

We took pictures holding hands! Even at the same time. My photo to the left Linda's to the right. 

Linda is a woman I met through Laura's Bad Art Night. She comes across as a quiet shy woman but in truth she is just soft spoken with a lot to say. I had a pretty intense conversation with her this weekend at the COCA Studio Art Crawl. We had set up Monday as our walk time the week before and I was excited to get back out and about walking in Half Moon Bay. A few women I had met said they loved my idea but they didn't want to hold hands. And I am now glad that during my time in Half Moon Bay I didn't waver and do a bunch of none holding hands walks.

Linda called me up the night before our walk and asked if her husband, David could come on the walk...she wasn't sure how that would look but David wanted to talk some photos. I was a bit tired after a weekend of trying to sell art and not really selling any. I said "Well, sure. Tomorrow we can figure out what that looks like." I have done three person-ed walks but once again I wasn't so into it...it doesn't let me get to know one person with any sort of intensity.

So I got up early and Linda and David met me at Laura's house around 830am. I was a bit tired but pulling it together to go for a walk. I set up the boundary that it was cool if David walked with us as long as we sort of got to keep the autonomy of the walk to being Linda and I. That I wanted to cultivate a conversation with Linda. David was ok with that, and away we went.

I have been on a few walks on Poplar Beach by now. So it was a cool feeling to get to show Linda the pathway to Smith Field from the bluffs of Poplar Beach. Linda pointed out the hawks and other interesting natural wonders we were seeing. Which are most definitely here in Half Moon Bay and Linda's excitiemtn buoyed me up while I felt sort of blah.

I have to admit it was a little strange to know we were sort of being followed/tailed by David. It felt weird not to bring him into the fold and make it a more equal relationship of walkers. But I just felt the need to give Linda her walk. She was the one that was eager. We walked through some tree groves, we looked at the beach, our conversation stayed light and about nature. Linda and David live by a great nature preserve where you get to see amazing animals at low tide. I would love to go there.

As we walked I got tired and felt the urge to turn back, we walked a bit more and I realized if I am not giving off the supportive energy it is ok to try to receive some of it from the person you are walking with. I remembered to breath and be i this moment. It truly was a gorgeous day in Half Moon Bay.

As we wound back to Laura's I started to think about what bothered me about having David there. It is that I am supremely uncomfortable with being part of a couple or pair. That I have decided it is bad or at least weak to have someone to share things with. Which is a crazily silly thing to think. Linda has a web of people and she excepts it and embraces it. I am sure it isn't always easy but she has someone to share life with.

I forgot to talk a photo of Linda and I. here is my photo of Linda.

and her photo of me.

As in all walks there was an aha moment, a theme. And there it was we are all part of a web of people. No matter how hard we try to get out of it. After the walk, Linda read my response to the walk. She said "Oh I am sorry. I wish you could ahve enjoyed the walk more." I then opened up and told Linda and David about how I was going through a hard time. That I was learning to really let go of the expectations of others and how hard it was for me. That is wasn't Linda, heavens no!, that made me feel bad. It was that I am in sort of a large moment in my life. And miraculously David told  me a similar story of his journey to leave behind expectations. We spoke at length about it. I could hear anger. I could hear defensive language about choices made. And it gave me an outside view on my own torture, my own useless torture. I explained to myself more than to David and Linda how at some point you can't blame anyone else for your actions. You have to start living for yourself. And guess what? At 32, the fact that I am realizing that now. Feels like a head start! Linda reminded me that my family loves me. And she is right. Though they don't understand my journey. They still love me.

Some of us have a long journey to peace and calm. While it seems others have a short one. Mine has been one filled with panic and grand adventures. Anxious to not waste the life I was given and get to it's meaning as fast as I could. Proving people wrong that I was anything but the most brillant. Well now, I don't much care for what other people think. I am on a journey to my own crafted comfort and joy.

I learned from my tired walk with Linda that it isn't all about me. I was able to give Linda a great walk. Not make it about me. And I learned that we outcasts are not a lonely group we are a searching group and it is a worthwhile journey. I am ready for some comfort and joy. Less sadness, blame, and confusion. Thank you Linda. Thank you David.