Half Moon Bay walk with Me Group Walk

I am back in Los Angeles, almost frantically looking for a job and a new apartment. Luckily, I have a very kind friend who is letting me sleep on her couch for as long as I need. And she means it…much like the first time I moved to LA and Dave said the same thing. He was astonished when I found a place in the first two weeks I was there. We shall see how things go this time around.

Nothing I write here can encompass the feelings I have now. That numbness that comes from overwhelming feelings...of fear for the future, and so much gladness for the months I had in Half Moon Bay. How I got to rest. How I got to create. 

I need to blog about the culminating Walk with Me event in Half Moon Bay! Before it slips out of my mental finger tips. I was lucky enough to get a holiday gift of a flight down to see my sister, her husband, and the main attraction, their lovely 6 month old baby boy. So for the holidays I headed to my family's house and then we flew down to my sister's house for New Years. I dyed my hair purple (!) and pink before the holiday and was quite the show at family holiday events. I loved my sister's response which was "Oh maybe I want to do that!" Which always makes me feel better when I do something considered wild to my midwestern family. 

So I got back to Half Moon Bay after a holiday with my family just days before the event. I had big plans to get a massage and to do yoga at Enso, a great place right on the beach that does lots of yoga classes. But instead I jut got ready for the event, and went about packing up my belongings at Laura's. It all went very fast! I had gotten an interview in Los Angeles and I needed to get back days after the event. 

Photo by Vicki Cormack

What was fantastic about the day of the event is that the sun came out just an hour before we were slated to meet! As I looked out at the fog when I woke up I thought….well less people will come now. So, I felt lucky when the sun burned it's way through that fog.Things went very smoothly. I must admit. Laura helped out immensely, making a sign at the beach that hung from her van. I had a videographer coming. A reporter coming. And 19 people on Facebook signed up. While not everyone on Facebook showed up we had about 20 folks there! And it felt like a victory. I have held workshops in LA, and had one person show up. I have had collaborators run workshops, FREE ONES!, and no one show up. It is a scary thing to plan events cause you never know if anyone will come. It was a magical group of folks, some people I had done individual walks with, others strangers, even one family that was too nervous to walk with a stranger but walked three astride down the beach.

I had planned on not walking but one of my favorite walkers, Linda didn't have a partner and she didn't seem disappointed by the idea of walking with me again. So after we hung out making sure no one else was strangling in. We started walking, meeting one of her friends and then we walk down the beach. 

Photo by Vicki Cormack

Instead of  talking about Linda and I's walk which was filled with lovely insight about love and disease. And about my future and going forward. I am going to put little snippets from the walker's reflections up on the blog. Along with written words the participants drew some pretty amazing images. This was the only walk I didn't take a single photo on. I just tried to be present and get through this event. Which is now emotional for me. At the time I was just a bit numb/overwhelmed but I did do a good job to connect to each participant and enjoy the day. Now, I feel the force of leaving this project to rest while I try to create a life in LA again.

Here are some themes/thoughts from the writings of our walkers. I'll keep them anonymous:

"My intention for the year is to be the best person I can be to give love to all."

"GRATITUDE:… THE OPENING OF NEWNESS"

"being present…now now now now…NOW. HIGHLIGHT: a kiss on the hand"

"the realization that I had to 'own' my responsibility to these [my] relationships- and how I feel about myself"

"Deep conversations about being ourselves and enjoying, being okay with Who We Are even if not everyone else is comfortable. ME IS OK."

"The holding hands energy changed as out moods, talk, changed"

"being responsible and having life filled experiences" (interesting words "life filled")

"More and more it's apparent that we are all facets of the same jewel, simply reflecting light differently.

The rhythm of walking is conducive to emergent harmony, understanding, and if it takes root, wisdom…Let us reflect the best of one another's light."

Photo by Vicki Cormack

It was interesting to notice who was comfortable talking about what they felt or said, and who focused on their partner, or those who reflected the environment back onto the page. I loved that there was a recognition of challenging times interweaved with the love of magical gratitude. That the tough times come but creativity and healthy routine mitigate some of the pain.

What I really enjoy about these reflections are how they are about connections and that taking care of yourself is a part of healthy relationships and a commitment to others. How amazing to think of one another as reflections of ourselves and that when we focus on each other we all can shine a little brighter. Being present today to shine. Enjoying the beach, the sun, the surf, the cold, whatever life throws at us can be so much more endurable with someone else's hand in yours. No questions asked. Think about how we can do this emotionally for those around us. Let's stop dreading the call from Mom, or the needy relative, the intense friend with things to tell you, your teachers, your mentors, a cute guy or lady, the nosy neighbor, the loud drunk on the street, every single one of them you can approach with non judgement. Sometimes the right move is to not pick up the phone if you will cause another pain but mostly it is time to realize we have time to be present with one another.

Photo by Linda Theroff

I have to admit sitting here on my friend's couch just a week and a day after the event, I am just keeping myself together. I am doing the crazy thing of re-entering life in LA. I am trying to get a home and a job and wow if that doesn't feel foreign and kind of awful to me. I want everything figured out YESTERDAY!  But let me tell you what. I am broke. I need a job! And that is when the energy swings and I think "Wow, wouldn't it be great to just have a job? I don't need to travel all about and be constantly changing things….wow, can that happen?" Cause what I have learned is no matter how stable we think we are things are always changing. Yeah I did an extreme thing in some people's minds, leaving my apartment, leaving my job, and leaving my life behind to go hold hands with people. But damn if I didn't learn a lot about myself. Though life is stressful, I feel grounded and real in new ways. I feel beautiful and lucky to be here. I feel sad and devastated about how our culture works and what we hold dear. But I am ready, to face it and know I can't go it alone. That my friends and family are integral parts of my success. 

Photo by Linda Theroff

Perfection is no longer my goal. I don't know the plan. I want to. I want to control the plan. But I am putting it out there. I think there is a force, many call God, that leads us along. As an academic and an artist, I have trouble talking about the ineffable. I just can't explain in any other way my amazing life. The friends that for the past 8 months have housed, fed, walked, talked, supported me. I am glad to know how strong the life force is within me through meditation and interaction. That I am on the cusp of life, enjoying the view. I hope for more connection in the future. I hope for a significant love of my life to come along. More importantly I hope I can help others love life and live more fully. I hope I find my path in creativity and healing to a more sustainable future. Sometimes I think I will end up a nomad, going from healing to healing, community to community….other times I see a home and a family…maybe it will be both. What I learned from this project is be kind to those around you, stop judging, start holding each other up, give freely, love mightily, and if you feel like no one understands or that your path is a silly stupid idea….email me, talk to me, walk with me…everyone of us holds important ideas and deeds. Be the person to listen to others passions. Be the person who stops running around in your own head and imperfectly create a world with others.

For me, know, I am giving up on knowing where I am going next. I am going to reflect on the last 8 months. I am going to open up my heart. I am going to keep eating right, exercising, smiling at others, and reaching out. I am going to try to stop condemning my love of art and embrace it. I am going to watch football and go to art openings. I am going to be open to falling in love both with myself and someone else. Sounds simple? Nah, but it is what life is made of.

As for this blog, I would like to keep it going. Will I be holding hands more? I don't know. I told Stacy the reporter in Half Moon Bay that I need a break. And well, I do. I have spent 8 months giving a bunch of energy outwards and now I need to get my shit together inwards. So I want to be open to the next round of walks but first I want to take care and get settled in LA. I am talking to someone about maybe holding hands and walking along the LA River as part of a performance series, so keep your fingers crossed on that. Otherwise I am not sure, and for now, that is ok.

Happy New Year! and a look back at 2013.

Wow, wow, wow. What a year! I lived so many amazing moments it feels like three years in one.
2013 started with me crying in a bed. Or that is how it felt to me. I was in a job situation where no matter how hard I worked I knew I wasn't wanted. I was grieving for my very beloved Uncle Tom who had a heart attack at 65.

I was sobbing into a pillow Dec 31, 2012 wondering why I was so upset. Wondering why I couldn't stop crying. I had a job. An apartment. Friends. A great supportive family. But you know what? I wasn't living life my way. I was doing things right. Losing weight. Eating right. Working hard. And it wasn't enough. I am known for drastic moves. I am not one who can manipulate anything cause if I am not happy I can't hide it. I was very hurt that not everyone in the world loves me. So I freaked out. I sold off half my stuff. Sent the rest to my parents house.

This led to an amazing 8 months of learning. Of healing. To letting go. Things weren't too drastic. I knew I needed money and that I didn't want to take unemployment. So with the help over over 130+ friends and family I raised money on Kickstarter to travel "Walk with ME." I walked with 21 people in LA and 24 people starting in Boston, going to Gloucester, then to NYC, Pittsburgh, PA, Washington DC area, Asheville, and Durham, NC, a stop in Greenville to see my friend Todd and his wife Carol, and then to Athens Georgia to make some awesome posters for three weeks.

This trip was nothing short of amazing. For how smooth it went. For the love I felt with all of the friends I got to reconnect with along the way. For free meals, free coaches, free BEDS(!)...for FINALLY learning how to say thank you when I couldn't repay what I was given. For finally learning to be vulnerable. For learning that when things go wrong it doesn't mean something is ruined. So many lessons were learned on this trip. I landed in Boston hours before the bombing. I walked through the glass in Watertown where the bombers tried in vain to escape the authorities. I went to the finish line holding Alison's hand. I read Opal books. I got to see so many old friends. I went to the Smithsonian museums for the first time and Uncle Tom was there in the caverns of an old Chinese urn. I discovered the Cloisters and public gardens surrounding it in NYC, a magical place. I got upset at hippies for being so aimless in Asheville. I fell in love with Pittsburgh where I went to the Mattress Factory and Conflict Kitchen. I met cute boys in a couple cities. I drank too much and  met Michael Stipe.
With all of this, I made my first Artist Book chronicling the whole darn thing.

What I have never mentioned till now...is that I took Uncle Tom, literally, along the whole way. He was in my backback, some of his remains in a white box hoofed it from city to city.

After the craziness of all this travel and I will say, the fatigue of this travel I found my way to Minnesota to fall deeply asleep in my parent's basement for a couple weeks. While finishing up the "Walk with ME" book. Which was printed June 2013 with the amazing help of Alen. Who made this project feel and look professional. I showed the work at Fox Egg Gallery, along with the posters and monotypes I had made. It was all a successful ordeal though not at all lucrative. I made back the money I spent on pritnting the books. Even Steven as they say. I paid Alen what I could.

I then directed and produced my first performance piece to be performed in an honest to goodness theater! Highways. Hanna, Julia, and I performed LABOR-ation. A great piece about what I have learned the past year. Leaving my job, to find out what is out there beyond the 9 to 5.

I had planned the trip to Minnesota to overlap with the birth of my first niece or nephew....and Oliver came out a few days "late" but in time for me to spend about 5 days with him after he was born. I was holding him just hours after he was born. Sitting there smelling his new born smell, which is so sweet and addictive, I know I am now bonded to him for life. What a little gift to my family this boy is. I get to hold him, kiss him and laugh with him....singing songs to make him smile or look very serious. I love him bunches. So along with all this great art stuff was the momentous occasion of becoming an auntie or tanta as they say in German.

With a dwindling checking account, I headed to Half Moon Bay, CA. Where Laura McHugh is starting an artist residency out of her house near the beach. I spent a lovely 2.5 months working on visual art while taking walks with local Half Moon Bay-ers. In the first 3 weeks there, I trained and successfully ran a half marathon (actually 13.5 miles as the route was measured wrong).The mayor almost went for a walk with me. I walked with 11 amazing people and made 4 good looking paintings and another series of monotypes. I slept in. I meditated.

I took a trip to NYC for the Creative Time Summit. Which mostly caused me to have a panic attack. I met some inspiring folks though. And Jamie, who I walked with in LA, got to eat meals and visit museums together.

Then to finish the year, I spent 10 days doing a Vipassana meditation retreat. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. I learned an amazing breathing technique and an amazing meditation technique. For the first seven days I was so inside myself...the inside became outside. I didn't speak to others except to the teacher twice. I then had a very intense meditation experience and broke silence cause I thought I was going a bit cuckoo. I then held it together to finish the ten days.

I like to make grand statements and sparkling metaphors. It seems the important lessons are hard to put into words. I found that failure was the best teacher and led to the most amazing year. That grief was essential to my letting go of the normal and going for my dreams. That following our dreams is in one way a lot easier than I thought it would be and in other way much harder. I had to let go of where I am from to find myself and then learned that having a loving family is nothing to reject.

After sitting with myself for 10 days I learned, we go from love to hate within ourselves. That usually it isn't those around you that are causing emotions but rather your mind. Your mind is fed by what you eat and how you live. So if you are upset, depressed, or annoyed look at what you are eating/doing. Looking for the divine is the important part. Believing that there is more than meets the eye is extremely important. I learned how to calm down after 6 days of anxiety, or thoughts looping through and letting go of them. I came out of it a lot calmer and very disorientated.

After stripping down reality, and meeting a higher energy. I came back down and read The Goldfinch. I searched for the quote about failure in the book and I can't find it right now. But I did find this one...which I think my life revolves around a bit, "We have art in order not to die from the truth."  -Nietzsche Our reality is raw and overwhelming and we find ways to make it palatable. That is art.

I have proclaimed 2014 the year of the Inner Thigh. Where I continue to seek the spiritual in the everyday. Where I have a base of who I am down and now I go in for the detail. Where I will work on my core physically and spiritually. I am hoping to let more love in. As this year I have experienced love with so many old friends and my family. And I learned that abuse comes from someone else's need to be understood and not understanding that "understood" comes from within.

In 2014, I am saving up for a trip to Santiago, Spain. Or rather to the border of Spain and France, so that I can walk the Camino, a pilgrimage that takes a month to traverse. There are always more answers to be found. and heck if i don't like a challenge! I am researching when the next holy Year is...as I may want to wait to walk until then.

 In 2014, I will be open to a new life in LA. I hope to go to the Huntington Gardens and sketch every weekend. I am hoping to have a calm loving life with my awesome art friends around. I hope to not drink. Eat more veggies. Love my body whatever size it is. Run some more 5Ks. Find a gallery to show my next series of drawings. And realize how awesome my life is, over and over and over again. Now I have to go play with my nephew while I can.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Half Moon Bay Walk with Me #10 with Laura

I must say I come to this post a little rushed. As tomorrow I am leaving for a 10 day silent retreat. I am rather excited about this. But it means packing up, once again, and heading out on the road, once again. I have been moving a lot but I can say it has brought me to the right places at the right time.

Like meeting Laura for example. Laura is the woman that has been my benefactor. I think that word is strange but it is true. That she is starting a residency here in Half Moon Bay and that I am the first resident. I spent most of the last 3 months residing in her home and getting to use her studio to create art. Even while she was in France, I got to stay here and meditate and create. I feel so lucky to be here. It all happened because I went to the Women's Art Institute at MCAD (at the time it ow is at St. Cate's in St. Paul). She and I were housed in the same dorm room. I was around 26. I would like to think this is one of the many cases where me being open, kind, energetic, smart and artistic created a friendship. Laura and I stayed in touch and she even came to see me while I was a curatorial fellow at Otis. Laura has offered me a respite from the craziness of LA in the form of long weekends at her home.

Laura is in the beginnings of creating an art residency in Half Moon Bay. I was the first of what I hope to be many artists that get to be a part of the healing energy of Half Moon Bay. The ocean here is gorgeous and for artists trying to get away. This is the spot.

Laura used our walk as a time to pick my brain about strategy for working within community. I have a tendency once I learn something, to think that EVERYONE has learned it. That is not the case. Laura has questions and I have suggestions. Social practice artists don't have answers. :)

I think what came up for me during this conversation. Is how important the spiritual in art is to me. I have been trying to fit into this corporate world of art or art to make money world and it makes me sad. Life for someone as sensitive as me is hard. Truly. I find it difficult to put myself out there cause I don't want to hurt others and I don't want  myself hurt. It means I have to figure out a way to make money that isn't soul crushing.

Laura and I had a sunny walk along the beach then through the neighborhood back to her house. We ran into a local artist who just happened to have a check bounce from an employer. An interesting moment on a walk, where I have been living on the kindness of others, especially Laura, and here is an artist not getting paid for work already done. I don't know what the connection is. But it felt profound. To think, wow, artists sure to get the shaft by our culture. What if artists got paid for what they did. For how they inspire others. And how maybe some people are just made to explore and express themselves as their job. That it isn't even in that moment for anyone else. Maybe that is just how they survive.

It was comfortable to hold hands with Laura. I wouldn't say there was a deep connection made but I did feel relaxed and energized after the walk. I think Laura has taught me how to honor what I do. Not on the walk, but rather by giving me the space I have had the past 3 months. I hopefully have brought my energy to the growing art community.  

My hope for all artists, including Laura and myself, is more time to make art. Less time worrying about how we need to present ourselves. More time with community, less time having to worry about who that is. Laura's friendship makes me feel hopefully as we cross the divide in ages and backgrounds. We both have a lot to bring to the table. What I remembered talking to Laura is how the only way to cross an divide between individuals, groups, communities, and the world. Is through hard time sitting down at the same table. I can't wait to meet who will come to the table at Half Moon Bay. I hope to come back over and over and over again to this great community. For now though, I just can't afford the rent in Half Moon Bay.