Happy New Year! and a look back at 2013.

Wow, wow, wow. What a year! I lived so many amazing moments it feels like three years in one.
2013 started with me crying in a bed. Or that is how it felt to me. I was in a job situation where no matter how hard I worked I knew I wasn't wanted. I was grieving for my very beloved Uncle Tom who had a heart attack at 65.

I was sobbing into a pillow Dec 31, 2012 wondering why I was so upset. Wondering why I couldn't stop crying. I had a job. An apartment. Friends. A great supportive family. But you know what? I wasn't living life my way. I was doing things right. Losing weight. Eating right. Working hard. And it wasn't enough. I am known for drastic moves. I am not one who can manipulate anything cause if I am not happy I can't hide it. I was very hurt that not everyone in the world loves me. So I freaked out. I sold off half my stuff. Sent the rest to my parents house.

This led to an amazing 8 months of learning. Of healing. To letting go. Things weren't too drastic. I knew I needed money and that I didn't want to take unemployment. So with the help over over 130+ friends and family I raised money on Kickstarter to travel "Walk with ME." I walked with 21 people in LA and 24 people starting in Boston, going to Gloucester, then to NYC, Pittsburgh, PA, Washington DC area, Asheville, and Durham, NC, a stop in Greenville to see my friend Todd and his wife Carol, and then to Athens Georgia to make some awesome posters for three weeks.

This trip was nothing short of amazing. For how smooth it went. For the love I felt with all of the friends I got to reconnect with along the way. For free meals, free coaches, free BEDS(!)...for FINALLY learning how to say thank you when I couldn't repay what I was given. For finally learning to be vulnerable. For learning that when things go wrong it doesn't mean something is ruined. So many lessons were learned on this trip. I landed in Boston hours before the bombing. I walked through the glass in Watertown where the bombers tried in vain to escape the authorities. I went to the finish line holding Alison's hand. I read Opal books. I got to see so many old friends. I went to the Smithsonian museums for the first time and Uncle Tom was there in the caverns of an old Chinese urn. I discovered the Cloisters and public gardens surrounding it in NYC, a magical place. I got upset at hippies for being so aimless in Asheville. I fell in love with Pittsburgh where I went to the Mattress Factory and Conflict Kitchen. I met cute boys in a couple cities. I drank too much and  met Michael Stipe.
With all of this, I made my first Artist Book chronicling the whole darn thing.

What I have never mentioned till now...is that I took Uncle Tom, literally, along the whole way. He was in my backback, some of his remains in a white box hoofed it from city to city.

After the craziness of all this travel and I will say, the fatigue of this travel I found my way to Minnesota to fall deeply asleep in my parent's basement for a couple weeks. While finishing up the "Walk with ME" book. Which was printed June 2013 with the amazing help of Alen. Who made this project feel and look professional. I showed the work at Fox Egg Gallery, along with the posters and monotypes I had made. It was all a successful ordeal though not at all lucrative. I made back the money I spent on pritnting the books. Even Steven as they say. I paid Alen what I could.

I then directed and produced my first performance piece to be performed in an honest to goodness theater! Highways. Hanna, Julia, and I performed LABOR-ation. A great piece about what I have learned the past year. Leaving my job, to find out what is out there beyond the 9 to 5.

I had planned the trip to Minnesota to overlap with the birth of my first niece or nephew....and Oliver came out a few days "late" but in time for me to spend about 5 days with him after he was born. I was holding him just hours after he was born. Sitting there smelling his new born smell, which is so sweet and addictive, I know I am now bonded to him for life. What a little gift to my family this boy is. I get to hold him, kiss him and laugh with him....singing songs to make him smile or look very serious. I love him bunches. So along with all this great art stuff was the momentous occasion of becoming an auntie or tanta as they say in German.

With a dwindling checking account, I headed to Half Moon Bay, CA. Where Laura McHugh is starting an artist residency out of her house near the beach. I spent a lovely 2.5 months working on visual art while taking walks with local Half Moon Bay-ers. In the first 3 weeks there, I trained and successfully ran a half marathon (actually 13.5 miles as the route was measured wrong).The mayor almost went for a walk with me. I walked with 11 amazing people and made 4 good looking paintings and another series of monotypes. I slept in. I meditated.

I took a trip to NYC for the Creative Time Summit. Which mostly caused me to have a panic attack. I met some inspiring folks though. And Jamie, who I walked with in LA, got to eat meals and visit museums together.

Then to finish the year, I spent 10 days doing a Vipassana meditation retreat. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. I learned an amazing breathing technique and an amazing meditation technique. For the first seven days I was so inside myself...the inside became outside. I didn't speak to others except to the teacher twice. I then had a very intense meditation experience and broke silence cause I thought I was going a bit cuckoo. I then held it together to finish the ten days.

I like to make grand statements and sparkling metaphors. It seems the important lessons are hard to put into words. I found that failure was the best teacher and led to the most amazing year. That grief was essential to my letting go of the normal and going for my dreams. That following our dreams is in one way a lot easier than I thought it would be and in other way much harder. I had to let go of where I am from to find myself and then learned that having a loving family is nothing to reject.

After sitting with myself for 10 days I learned, we go from love to hate within ourselves. That usually it isn't those around you that are causing emotions but rather your mind. Your mind is fed by what you eat and how you live. So if you are upset, depressed, or annoyed look at what you are eating/doing. Looking for the divine is the important part. Believing that there is more than meets the eye is extremely important. I learned how to calm down after 6 days of anxiety, or thoughts looping through and letting go of them. I came out of it a lot calmer and very disorientated.

After stripping down reality, and meeting a higher energy. I came back down and read The Goldfinch. I searched for the quote about failure in the book and I can't find it right now. But I did find this one...which I think my life revolves around a bit, "We have art in order not to die from the truth."  -Nietzsche Our reality is raw and overwhelming and we find ways to make it palatable. That is art.

I have proclaimed 2014 the year of the Inner Thigh. Where I continue to seek the spiritual in the everyday. Where I have a base of who I am down and now I go in for the detail. Where I will work on my core physically and spiritually. I am hoping to let more love in. As this year I have experienced love with so many old friends and my family. And I learned that abuse comes from someone else's need to be understood and not understanding that "understood" comes from within.

In 2014, I am saving up for a trip to Santiago, Spain. Or rather to the border of Spain and France, so that I can walk the Camino, a pilgrimage that takes a month to traverse. There are always more answers to be found. and heck if i don't like a challenge! I am researching when the next holy Year is...as I may want to wait to walk until then.

 In 2014, I will be open to a new life in LA. I hope to go to the Huntington Gardens and sketch every weekend. I am hoping to have a calm loving life with my awesome art friends around. I hope to not drink. Eat more veggies. Love my body whatever size it is. Run some more 5Ks. Find a gallery to show my next series of drawings. And realize how awesome my life is, over and over and over again. Now I have to go play with my nephew while I can.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Half Moon Bay Walk with Me #10 with Laura

I must say I come to this post a little rushed. As tomorrow I am leaving for a 10 day silent retreat. I am rather excited about this. But it means packing up, once again, and heading out on the road, once again. I have been moving a lot but I can say it has brought me to the right places at the right time.

Like meeting Laura for example. Laura is the woman that has been my benefactor. I think that word is strange but it is true. That she is starting a residency here in Half Moon Bay and that I am the first resident. I spent most of the last 3 months residing in her home and getting to use her studio to create art. Even while she was in France, I got to stay here and meditate and create. I feel so lucky to be here. It all happened because I went to the Women's Art Institute at MCAD (at the time it ow is at St. Cate's in St. Paul). She and I were housed in the same dorm room. I was around 26. I would like to think this is one of the many cases where me being open, kind, energetic, smart and artistic created a friendship. Laura and I stayed in touch and she even came to see me while I was a curatorial fellow at Otis. Laura has offered me a respite from the craziness of LA in the form of long weekends at her home.

Laura is in the beginnings of creating an art residency in Half Moon Bay. I was the first of what I hope to be many artists that get to be a part of the healing energy of Half Moon Bay. The ocean here is gorgeous and for artists trying to get away. This is the spot.

Laura used our walk as a time to pick my brain about strategy for working within community. I have a tendency once I learn something, to think that EVERYONE has learned it. That is not the case. Laura has questions and I have suggestions. Social practice artists don't have answers. :)

I think what came up for me during this conversation. Is how important the spiritual in art is to me. I have been trying to fit into this corporate world of art or art to make money world and it makes me sad. Life for someone as sensitive as me is hard. Truly. I find it difficult to put myself out there cause I don't want to hurt others and I don't want  myself hurt. It means I have to figure out a way to make money that isn't soul crushing.

Laura and I had a sunny walk along the beach then through the neighborhood back to her house. We ran into a local artist who just happened to have a check bounce from an employer. An interesting moment on a walk, where I have been living on the kindness of others, especially Laura, and here is an artist not getting paid for work already done. I don't know what the connection is. But it felt profound. To think, wow, artists sure to get the shaft by our culture. What if artists got paid for what they did. For how they inspire others. And how maybe some people are just made to explore and express themselves as their job. That it isn't even in that moment for anyone else. Maybe that is just how they survive.

It was comfortable to hold hands with Laura. I wouldn't say there was a deep connection made but I did feel relaxed and energized after the walk. I think Laura has taught me how to honor what I do. Not on the walk, but rather by giving me the space I have had the past 3 months. I hopefully have brought my energy to the growing art community.  

My hope for all artists, including Laura and myself, is more time to make art. Less time worrying about how we need to present ourselves. More time with community, less time having to worry about who that is. Laura's friendship makes me feel hopefully as we cross the divide in ages and backgrounds. We both have a lot to bring to the table. What I remembered talking to Laura is how the only way to cross an divide between individuals, groups, communities, and the world. Is through hard time sitting down at the same table. I can't wait to meet who will come to the table at Half Moon Bay. I hope to come back over and over and over again to this great community. For now though, I just can't afford the rent in Half Moon Bay.

Half Moon Bay Walk #9 with Colleen

I had a magical Thanksgiving. One filled with lots of gluten free pies (!!!!) and wine. I was wished away on Thanksgiving day after begging off responsibility to celebrate to work on job applications. Lainey of walk #8 waltzed up to my door and said "Get your butt out here! You are coming to Thanksgiving!" Where I met Tom and Jane from across the street and they were gracious and open to having a straggler come to their new home and their first Thanksgiving. It was an amazing day of chatting and then SINGING (!!!!!!!). It was glorious. And I met a bright young chemist, Andrew, who I hopefully be walking with in January.

On Friday, Laura had Turkey Day for her and her kids, and I was invited too. It was in the house I am staying at so I just had to walk out the door. I was a bit tired from the glasses of wine I had drank before singing "Big Yellow Taxi" the night before. Luckily all the once pie I ate soaked up most of the wine from the night before. Laura's family is totally awesome. She has loving kids who start at ages just a little bit younger than me. I am in the funny spot of a little bit older and friends with your mom. But for the most part her kids are really open to having me around as this weird artist person in the spare bedroom. I must say I think Californians in general are just more open. Even conservatives in they state seem more liberal in mind set to my Minnesota roots. Colleen, is one of Laura's daughters, and the twin of Kati, my first walk in Half Moon Bay. I celebrated Laura's Bday at her house a few months ago. She loves baseball. So we definitely have something to talk about.

First Colleen and I had scheduled the walk for Friday but after a long Turkey Day the day before, we pushed our walk to Saturday. Because Colleen is Laura's daughter I was worried she felt pressured into walking with me. But that quickly dissipated as we walked. As it was Thanksgiving weekend, there were a TON of people out with their dogs on Poplar Beach. We decided to walk on the beach. Which is quite the workout. :) And our hands were rather sweaty. Colleen and I look like opposites a bit. Or rather we joked that I was good at the connection of love while Colleen is good at the business of it. She had a 11 year relationship. Whereas I have had…an on again off again 9 month relationship…and that is pushing it…as a lot of it was off. Colleen has been thinking about relationships a lot as she is learning to be single and opening up to having new friends. If this isn't your first blog post you have read. Obviously we can relate to each other. we openly discussed relationships that we feel are inappropriate. We discussed what we want in men.

Two amazing moments stood out among the insistent chatter of our desire. Well, one wasn't really a moment. With Colleen being "all business" there is an irony to that….as the thing is…she is a lot more light hearted than I. She were walking along on our way back and I was just like "Wow this has been a great walk." Colleen agreed. And I thought to myself well hell let's take a breath and take a moment to celebrate that….So out I screamed "Wooooooooooooo!" and raised our hands being held a bit higher. With all the dogs and their owners running round the beach….I was like fuck it. I wanted to hold on to the light feeling that was growing in me…and Colleen without hesitation joined me. I am a serious one and walking with Colleen made me lighten up.

Another amazing moment was Colleen's reflection on relationships and loving yourself. I have spent years alone, figuring myself out, not wanting to muddy someone else up with myself. Finding yourself is all of life, it doesn't end. Colleen and I are so different and her insight was so enlightening to me. As I hope mine was to her. Here is an amazing thought, "Learning to love yourself is no excuse not to share yourself with someone else as you learn." I know, I know it isn't rocket science but in the moment it felt like finding gold in a bucket full of silt. We are taught lately to fix ourselves. Be perfect. Don't let anyone see your flaws. Well I am going to be really old before I can love someone if I wait for that. And I may want kids. Maybe. I know with all definite thoughts. I want to love and be loved. By friends. By a handsome man. By well everyone. :)

All sweaty and talking talking talking about illicit love as we rounded the bend back to Laura's house. What a walk. A foggy beach. A sunny feeling inside. Colleen made the most amazing drawing. That I have to share. Yes, it would seem that Colleen is purple heart bursting out…and maybe I was able to give that feeling to her. But truthfully, we are both a little of each heart. I mean isn't this project my way of bursting out from behind MY walls? I truly wish there was a way to keep doing these walks. Some way I could get paid to keep learning these amazing lessons. And I am really ready for a couple dates…

Half Moon Bay Walk #8 Lainey

As I probably have mentioned a few times now on my blog, I have been REALLY tired the past few months. It makes sense with all the traveling I am doing. Over the past three years, I have been making a slow transition from binge eating and drinking to eating right and in moderation. For the most part that has meant feeling a LOT better! But it seems that underneath all that bad behavior was some imbalances in my body. Things I now have to deal with cause I can't hide behind french fries as the reason I am feeling off. So I am taking lots of vitamins and getting lots of sleep. I tell you this cause I woke up, again, pretty tired for my walk with Lainey. It also feels that with each walk I am hesitant and a bit scared to go….even now after some 55 walks!

Luckily, all those feelings go once the great walk arrives. Let me tell you something, not so secret, Lainey is a great person. I am pretty sure that Lainey had not a clue that we would be holding hands on this walk. :) But she just said "Ok." And we started down the road. we negotiated what hand and she told me where she would like to start. Lainey is someone that has the most self possession of anyone I know. What does that mean you may ask? She holds herself with real true belief in herself. It isn't snobby. It isn't fake. She just really is calm and who she is. I don't know how old she is. But she has earned the right to believe in herself and she carries it magnificently. She isn't closed off at all. She doesn't throw herself at you in need. She is balanced and I find that miraculous. Truly. I guess it won't be a surprise that Lainey is balanced in her interests as she is in her person. She is an amazing blend of scientific knowledge and artistic knowledge. She can tell you about chemical elements and she will wonder over painting techniques. After a life of having to choose which side I am on….arts or sciences, her blend is refreshing. I spoke to her of my desire to learn about physical therapy and to her there was no hesitation to encourage me within that.

Lainey and I walked to the dunes of Kelly Beach. One of my favorite spots in Half Moon Bay. I walk there all the time. And I love it. Truly. The way the green of the plants and the bleached white of the sand make each other look so good. We then walked on the beach. A first for Walk with Me walks, I have avoided making people walk on sand because of the difficulty. But Lainey is fit and welcomed the sand. Actually she guided us there. We spent time watching pelicans. We spent time climbing up the rise of sand between wet and dry sand. About 3/4 of the way back to Poplar Beach Lainey said she would like to sit down. We immediately saw porpoises!!!!!!!!!!! Which no matter how long I have lived outside of Minnesota. I never grow tired of seeing those beauties. So we sat down and had an amazing chat for I think about an hour. About love. Art love. Man love. Society love. Lainey discussed with me on the walk the lenses we can look at our society. Beauty. Truth. and Goodness. What can we do as a culture if we can look through all the lenses at once. it reminds me of working in social practice art. We artists are not just interested in BEAUTY. We are interested in all the lenses working together to create a better reality. A more evolved culture. Wow. Lainey is a smart woman. And she knows chemical elements and what they look like in reality. That is pretty cool.

Our hands were pretty sweaty as we walked. Lainey would hand my hand then loosen her grip and then minutes later tighten her grip. It was very easy to walk with Lainey. Our gaits did not always match but we walked at about the same speed. After we sat on the beach fr so long. I felt like the hand holding part of our journey was over. Our connection was there on the beach. We still chatted away on our way back to the house.

As you can tell Lainey and I are very similar characters. We are committed to art. We see how it doesn't fit in so well with the culture we are living in but Lainey believes, and I try to believe, that if we learn how the system works and talk to others, things we want to see done, can be done. Lainey has worked in politics at the grass roots level and she fights hard and with knowledge for the environment and arts that she loves. The most surprising thing that occurred was the ending of our time together. In which Lainey created a song for our hours together! This is why this blew me away….who is open enough, present enough, joyful enough, to break into song? She told me, "Well, there isn't much I control in my life. There are other people and situations that do form my reality. But I can make a song about it. I have the freedom to play with my surroundings." Or something to that effect. WOW! just WOW! That is a great outlook. We/I/You are never going to be able to control everything, or the big things that surround you. But you sure has hell can take what you can control and make something beautiful out of it!

Here are some of the lyrics that Lainey created…which feel like a little life lesson she was telling me:
"It's a matter of fact.
It's a matter of keeping faith.
There is no looking back.
That's a matter of time.
But all you have to do is do it;
All that you can be is
all that you can do and be true to it.
All that you can be is true blue
It's a matter of fact"
She riffed on and it was amazing.

As a side note, I discussed my issues with my adrenals/thyroid and she said that she herself
has suffered with some of those issues. That she had been overweight and then when the issue was found able to deal with it….well if that didn't make me feel a bit better about my own struggles.

An amazing walk. Feel lucky to have walked with such an amazing woman.

Half Moon Bay Walk #7 with Linda

We took pictures holding hands! Even at the same time. My photo to the left Linda's to the right. 

Linda is a woman I met through Laura's Bad Art Night. She comes across as a quiet shy woman but in truth she is just soft spoken with a lot to say. I had a pretty intense conversation with her this weekend at the COCA Studio Art Crawl. We had set up Monday as our walk time the week before and I was excited to get back out and about walking in Half Moon Bay. A few women I had met said they loved my idea but they didn't want to hold hands. And I am now glad that during my time in Half Moon Bay I didn't waver and do a bunch of none holding hands walks.

Linda called me up the night before our walk and asked if her husband, David could come on the walk...she wasn't sure how that would look but David wanted to talk some photos. I was a bit tired after a weekend of trying to sell art and not really selling any. I said "Well, sure. Tomorrow we can figure out what that looks like." I have done three person-ed walks but once again I wasn't so into it...it doesn't let me get to know one person with any sort of intensity.

So I got up early and Linda and David met me at Laura's house around 830am. I was a bit tired but pulling it together to go for a walk. I set up the boundary that it was cool if David walked with us as long as we sort of got to keep the autonomy of the walk to being Linda and I. That I wanted to cultivate a conversation with Linda. David was ok with that, and away we went.

I have been on a few walks on Poplar Beach by now. So it was a cool feeling to get to show Linda the pathway to Smith Field from the bluffs of Poplar Beach. Linda pointed out the hawks and other interesting natural wonders we were seeing. Which are most definitely here in Half Moon Bay and Linda's excitiemtn buoyed me up while I felt sort of blah.

I have to admit it was a little strange to know we were sort of being followed/tailed by David. It felt weird not to bring him into the fold and make it a more equal relationship of walkers. But I just felt the need to give Linda her walk. She was the one that was eager. We walked through some tree groves, we looked at the beach, our conversation stayed light and about nature. Linda and David live by a great nature preserve where you get to see amazing animals at low tide. I would love to go there.

As we walked I got tired and felt the urge to turn back, we walked a bit more and I realized if I am not giving off the supportive energy it is ok to try to receive some of it from the person you are walking with. I remembered to breath and be i this moment. It truly was a gorgeous day in Half Moon Bay.

As we wound back to Laura's I started to think about what bothered me about having David there. It is that I am supremely uncomfortable with being part of a couple or pair. That I have decided it is bad or at least weak to have someone to share things with. Which is a crazily silly thing to think. Linda has a web of people and she excepts it and embraces it. I am sure it isn't always easy but she has someone to share life with.

I forgot to talk a photo of Linda and I. here is my photo of Linda.

and her photo of me.

As in all walks there was an aha moment, a theme. And there it was we are all part of a web of people. No matter how hard we try to get out of it. After the walk, Linda read my response to the walk. She said "Oh I am sorry. I wish you could ahve enjoyed the walk more." I then opened up and told Linda and David about how I was going through a hard time. That I was learning to really let go of the expectations of others and how hard it was for me. That is wasn't Linda, heavens no!, that made me feel bad. It was that I am in sort of a large moment in my life. And miraculously David told  me a similar story of his journey to leave behind expectations. We spoke at length about it. I could hear anger. I could hear defensive language about choices made. And it gave me an outside view on my own torture, my own useless torture. I explained to myself more than to David and Linda how at some point you can't blame anyone else for your actions. You have to start living for yourself. And guess what? At 32, the fact that I am realizing that now. Feels like a head start! Linda reminded me that my family loves me. And she is right. Though they don't understand my journey. They still love me.

Some of us have a long journey to peace and calm. While it seems others have a short one. Mine has been one filled with panic and grand adventures. Anxious to not waste the life I was given and get to it's meaning as fast as I could. Proving people wrong that I was anything but the most brillant. Well now, I don't much care for what other people think. I am on a journey to my own crafted comfort and joy.

I learned from my tired walk with Linda that it isn't all about me. I was able to give Linda a great walk. Not make it about me. And I learned that we outcasts are not a lonely group we are a searching group and it is a worthwhile journey. I am ready for some comfort and joy. Less sadness, blame, and confusion. Thank you Linda. Thank you David.

Half Moon Bay Walk #6 with Charie: Labyrinths and Gifts

Everyday for the past 13 days I have been meditating for at least 20 minutes...and as days go by the time gets longer and the kundalini yoga exercises get longer and it takes me about an hour to get finished up on everything. I have started chanting a few days ago. It is an amazing amazing feeling one day and the next day I croak out my Saaaaaaa-a-a-a-a-at-naam out for 3 minutes. I knew I had my walk with Charie at Noon. So I got myself out of bed and into my self appointed meditation room. Still I was still doinking around on the computer in my pjs 20 minutes before Charie was coming by. I hurried but hadn't eaten when Charie arrived. I quickly ate half a banana and ate an apple in the car while Charie and I went to the local labyrinth near Mavericks beach. On the way we drove down the street where all the huge pumpkins for the upcoming pumpkin festival was. It was really awesome! I look forward to walking main street and eating fatty foods this Saturday. Then running it off on Sunday.

I had imagined the labyrinth hidden on a misty hill hidden from everyone. It was in the bay and on the path to the beach. Charie and I decided to walk the labyrinth one by one before going for our walk. I set my intention to continue to open up to my authentic voice. As I am learning from my meditations I have been stifling my own voice. I know hard to believe as I am one of the most outgoing vocal people I know. Well I haven't been speaking from truth...but from fear...so I have some work to do.

Charie is someone I immediately liked upon meeting. She is connected to her voice. She laughs freely and engages with strangers in a free manner like I used to do when I was younger. Charie is retired and an artist. She is learning about the healing power of sound at CIIS and we spoke about this some. 

Charie and I were both a bit nervous to walk around all these folks but Charie picked what hand she wanted to hold and launched into a story about how she loves handing her hands massaged during a massage session. So we held hands intertwined...which I immediately thought...cool we are going to massage our hands while walking...

And away we went walking down the path. Folks smiled. Some people were uncomfortable. Mostly we just chatted away, took pictures. Charie spoke of feeling she has a gift to give that she needs to give with the time she has left and is just wondering how to give it to others. So Charie and I are grappling with the same thing! how do we give our gift to others?!?! I mentioned that I am getting some training about arts and the aging. And it was funny cause Charie is around 65...and I guess that puts her in the elder category. We are equals. And that was a really good reminder for me. Charie doesn't need my help! We have so many things in common and when we spend time together we feel awesome Cause we can talk about art, sound, perofrmance, life, and how we both love to travel and MOVE (as in move cities). Charie makes me feel normal. Like wanting to go to Poland to hold hands isn't a silly idea....but it sounds FANTASTIC.

Charie and I both realize not all elders are mobile or high-functioning...I wonder what I can bring a vital community of elders? how can we work together. So this was an important walk. Learning healing is a life long process and it is up to us to make life engaging and exciting in a healthy way. I always laugh loud and long with Charie. She allows me that space. Charie's soul shines through when you spend time with her. She was nervous to walk. But she took the lead and took us to her labyrinth and took the lead in where we walked. It was a hot day and we returned to the car after petting dogs and taking photos of our hands sweaty and alive. 

On the way home we stopped down on Miramar Beach cause there is an adorable set of homes a local guy made including a boat you can rent to sleep in as a retreat. There is a great garden and one of the buildings as a geodesic roof!  it feels like a beacon of a bygone era...a sort of 60s/70s feel. That uncontrolled creative energy that created hideaways and special corners of the world. 

Charie wrote on her reflection that she wasn't sure about walking. After telling me she would, she wrote "I thought when I got home that night, Oh my god, what did I just get myself into? Now that I have walked I feel -- 

calm

relaxed

peaceful"

What a gift to walk with Charie. What a gift to know that we both on the journey to finding our gift and giving it to others. Charie gave me a gift. Her guidance and friendship feels natural. That we vibrate at the same wave length. That being vocal and warm to others isn't something to be ashamed about. 

I'll end with a story Charie told me. She walks in the morning in her town. One morning there was a rainbow (or two) with the sunrise. She saw two women on the hill as she saw this amazing sight. As she passed the two women she mentioned how lucky and blessed we are to be here to experience the glory of nature. (charie said it better...sorry that was my best shot). Five years later, she saw one of the woman. She is a wellknown motivational speaker. Charie didn't know this at the time. Charie was just sharing her wonder of the world. This woman told her that, that morning at 3am her mother had passed away, and that her words were more powerful than she could have known. Charie's connection to the moment, to nature, to speaking truth...gave solace to this woman. There was nothing pre-meditated, nothing gained...just a beautiful moment on earth.
Charie has her worries. I have mine. But when you can step out into the world and be open. It has lasting effects of the positive kind. Charie wrote that she isn't sure "what will shape our live by our walk but I know things will change for the both of us." And I have to say I agree.

HMB Walk #5 with Nancy

I have to admit I just woke up not feeling the greatest the day of this walk. I am out of my element here in HMB. Using it as a retreat, which means I don't have 5 meetings or a ton of friends to hang out with. And there isn't a crew of people my age that I know. Which makes me feel a bit alienated. But then I sort of sit back and think...do I want to expend energy creating a social group? No I want to get into the painting studio and make some awesome things. I have meditated 9 days in a row and I have to say it is an amazing experience. With all that, the walks get me out and about and meeting great people of all ages. I bring this all up, so openly, because after a walk. I always feel better.

Nancy and I met at Laura's house. Nancy brought her adorable dog, Oliver. We made sure to get him in our hand holding picture. :) and successfully picked up dog poop while holding hands! It is amazing that always always always you learn things about people you didn't know before. I met Nancy a few years ago here in Half Moon Bay. I was at a Bad Art Night of Laura's and Nancy and I chatted away energetically. It was really fun and I love Nancy's energy. She just walked the Avon Cancer Walk and we had facebooked about walking after we both had recovered from our intense physical activity. So Nancy and I got to walking. Nancy was nervous and sort of had me lead where we were going other than to say she would like to walk the neighborhood and not the coast. We walked a fun, funny, loop-de-loo-ed pathway down streets and then around them again but up a block and then a little bit on the beach. Then down another part of the neighborhood. Nancy and I settled into the walk. I started to feel better after about 10 minutes, after really just feeling off, we chatted away. Including discussing Fargo, and the atmosphere of small cities in the upper Midwest. how it feels that there are art communities there bursting to bee seen and expand but the conservative landscape doesn't do much for that blooming.

What came up almost immediately in our walk was depression. I am very concerned that if I make the wrong move next I will plummet into depression. Here I am with no regular job, no permanent home, and lots of things up in the air and I feel better than when I have all those things in place. What a strange thing. I know I could look things like my parents probably are....what the hell are you doing?!?! get a job!?!? how can you think this is art?!?! how are you going to make money!?!? But there I was, on another walk, passively and actively looking for answers. Anywho, I wasn't going to say this to Nancy but I did. And she said well you can talk to me about it, I battle depression too. Well, there you go. This happily married woman, with adorable dogs, and a life very full with activity and substance has to make sure not to fell into the same traps I do. The same traps many folks have to deal with.

That was an amazing thing that came out almost immediately as we held hands. Wow, it just floored me how open we can be. So on we walked. Ironically, as we walked the streets we ran into a friend of Nancy's. Which I think made her really nervous. This project is pretty out there and there we were talking to her former dog walker as we held hands. The great thing is...she never flinched or took away her hand. She explained what we were doing and we chatted for awhile like nothing was weird and then away we went.

We then got into a popular artist conversation. how do we make money doing what we are doing....and I think I see a few things clearly now. how to make money being good at: marketing, making art you may not care much about spiritually but that you know will sell, busting your ass, and luck. And we both said we don't want to do is make work that we doesn't resonate with us soulfully, and that when you mix art with money it can feel wrong. It was a great conversation and I am so glad Nancy pushed herself into this project. She wrote she is going to discuss the benefits of hand holding with her husband and she if she can work this into their routine. :) Or at least try it out. Again each walk, has a new topic that emerges, a new angle. Maybe this is all just one big healing for me. Or maybe this is something I will do my whole life to inspire and create with others. Wow.

Walk #4 in HMB: Judy

Getting ready for Pumpkin Festival Oct 20-21!!!! makes for a beautiful day! 

I woke up a bit late to get all I wanted to get done before meeting up with Judy. I woke up around 830am-ish and I wanted to meditate before I left for Judy's. That meant showering and eating pretty quick. I got in 15 minute of meditating with some reading of a kundalini yoga book and written reflection. I then slammed some yogurt and granola down my throat and hit the road. I wasn't feeling the greatest. But in the last three weeks, I have muscled through being in a new place and running a half. I thought....you know what I will feel better after walking over to Judy's.
It was a hot day on the coast and I was in a coat and sweaty when I got to Judy's. Judy has a great studio here in Half Moon Bay. She gives workshops there and I have to say i would go there if I lived here. I loved the idea of rummaging through her boxes of collage items and different art mediums. It felt inviting. It felt inviting because Judy was inviting. We sat and chatted about our art educations for awhile. She has a transformative art degree. Which is an interesting type of education that seems to have a art therapy/community building focus. We were really getting into a great conversation but it was time to start walking.

I think Judy was suprised by how holding hands changed our conversation at the beginning. It is nerve wracking to run into people you know while holding a strangers hand. We ran into her boyfriend right away and he handled it with cool but definitely inwardly wondered awkwardly what we were doing. He shook my other hand and away we kept walking.

Waters' Edge 

We walked to Enso the local yoga and art mecca of half Moon Bay. I have heard about their community meals on Monday nights. Judy seemed very comfortable with holding hands and we chatted with her friends while holding hands. She mentioned it was for an art project and solcitied them to sign up for a walk. I heard a woman and man talk about the marathon and how one person went to the hospital but overall that at the medical tent she helped attend to people, things went very well. I wanted to shout out that I had run the half. I am very proud of the feat. But less and less do I feel like interuppting people. The man was saying how he wanted to go as a runner. After the woman had asked  why he hasn't gone yet. In response to people needing the medic tent he mentioned drinking while running....which I thought was an uneducated thing to say. Cause what I saw that day there was no one partying before hand at 630am in the morning. Drinking and running is not a rampid issue at Half Moon Bay marathon. Yes afterwards folks have a beer....to get carbs in....but it isn't like a eager before a football game.
Anywho, it was a hot day and Judy and I stopped holding hands so she could take off her jacket. Her friends were intrigued by the project and it was nice to find a little oasis that is open to intrigue. We walked to the edge of the water and then back towards her studio.

Beautiful women!!!!!!!!

We spoke a lot about art. I voiced that I felt like no one really valued my skills as an aritst. But thinking about it now, I am the one that doesn't value my skills. i learned from where I am from to not really think that art is a skill....or it is something that seeped in over time. I have a hard time commodifying art. It makes me feel like something is lost. Even teaching and selling art. I am like why can't I just do it? Why do I have to market myself? Now I guess I am looking at it differently, I have to support myself somehow, why not support myself using the skills I have been honing for more than a decade now. Before, I wanted to make it big. Be famous. Now, I want a community I enjoy and the time to enjoy it.
I saw this in what Judy has. Her studio. Her community at Enso. Her boyfriend. Her work.
She reminded me it took time to get a following to take her workshops. That it isn't easy.
What I loved about Judy was the way she spoke of teaching and art. She spoke of what she wanted to teach. Not what others tried to mold her into teaching. This is really important for me to learn. To be excited about what I am interested in and transmitting that to others! That is what makes a good class. That is what makes it worth while to teach.
I am 32 and really tired. So tired I wonder if maybe I am sick in someway internally. I need something to get excited about. I used to live manically. Lots of energetic feelings. Lots of spurts of energy. Now I have evened out my emotions so much that all I have is consistent. It just doesn't feel right. It is weird to be as balanced as I am....I have really found a center. And now I wonder if I will ever enjoy things with exuberance. I wonder how I find what I want to teach and share. I know it is there. I just have to take the time and energy to find it.
On our way back, Judy and I really felt comfortable together and were pretty joyful. We were stopped by a man in an SUV looking for money for gas. I just found it weird if you are almost out of gas...why are you driving around asking for money? Wouldn't you stop somewhere and ask? It was a weird thing, trying to decide if this guy was telling the truth or not. Judy and I both didn't have our wallets with us anyway....it was a weird display of emotion of some sort with the man seeming to start to break down crying and then seconds later shutting down and walking away.
interestingly we tried out different hand positions because I had been sent a article about how lesbians have a more equitable hand holding style than men. That men usually lead or possess the woman's hand. Truthfully, after walking with so many folks....I think it is hog wash. I mean sure maybe the guy leadsthe hand but it doesn't really matter. Holding hands feels even to me. Either position. Judy and I explored it and really i didn't notice a difference. I guess I need to explore this more with other walkers.
Judy and I ended with our observations and Judy created a beautiful piece as observation and we talked about it whic his something people don't usually do with me. She read her piece and I thanked her for participating.
She said in her writing that she had found a kindred spirit. and YES! it did feel like that. She was so open to the project and got what I was doing. I left with books to read about working with elderly and some asian american memoirs. Which I hope to start reading today. Two art making book lovers! What a pair!
Even with feeling a bit ill, walking with Judy took me out of that. I didn't need to be more than. I just needed to be me. And that was enough. I look forward to getting a community meal. I look forward to reading books let by an amazing artist. I look forward to more open. I look forward to learning what I want to teach and learn.

I don't usually show reflections on the blog but I just thought thee were so beautiful I wanted to share.
Judy on the left and mine of the right.
Judy commented on my facebook and it just sums everything up so well! : I think we covered mental health, growing older, art, art, art, college, men, nature, women, n vs s calif, touch, energy, intimacy, fear, and what in the heck is art?

Walk #3 in HMB: Nancy

This week in Half Moon Bay was focused on half marathon time. On Sunday, I ran 13.51 miles! In a strange way the 3 hours and 14 minutes it took to run felt like 9 miles that went by in 30 minutes and 4 miles that felt like a day....dragging my ass to the last .2 miles. There to see a sign that said run the last .2 in memory of the Boston Marathoners. Wow, I had to walk a bit and I felt bad. But I ran through the finish line, and I have never felt more accomplished! I was exhausted and my insides had revolted against me. But I had done it! I started running in January of 2012 and in under two years, there I was running a half! What a feat! In the moment it is hard to dredge up the manic happiness of jumping up and down but it was a fantastic feeling.
It also meant that I put off Walk with Me walks until this week. I was too nervous to prep for a half marathon and the nerves of walks. Nancy emailed me two weeks ago and we had our walk set for Oct 2. She sent me her arts website so I could know a little bit about her.

Immediately I really enjoyed Nancy. She didn't realize the walks would include hand holding and she joked about me being her daughter or granddaughter or her girlfriend. And it made me feel at ease. Nancy is a vivacious 66 year old. Who noticed that holding hands did change the dynamic of what we said on the walks. She is a mediator and a creative who is used to guiding and inspiring people and she definitely prompted me to answer big questions about who I want to be while walking. And I was available to be a listening ear to Nancy. Nancy is INCREDIBLY intelligent and lived a fantastic life of arting. Working on the AIDS quilt in St. Louis Missouri and doing all sorts of incredible things here in the San Francisco area. Like a one woman performance in her 60s. There is no "can not" in her vocabulary. Truly. Which is even more inspiring than her prompts as we walked. Truly she can do whatever she wants cause she knows she can. What a great feeling!
What is hard to admit while doing the most successful art project of my life. Is that I feel like I am being called out of art into healing. But really there isn't an in and an out. I get to have it all. Nancy said. I can make art. I can become a healer. I get to make up what the world will look like in the future. Cause no one knows what the future will be so why not put in the effort to make it a more magical place?
She asked me if money and time wasn't an issue what would you make. I said a play space. A safe place where adults could get away from having to make something for money. And make and be without a monetary goal in mind. I was thinking I could give movement workshops like open heart improv dancing, stretching, meditation, even nap times for adults. Then art and craft hours. Where people could come free style with all the supplies I can gather. And then also I could lead some workshops if people wanted to make certain things. Or maybe if someone wants to lead a class themselves. I could train to be a life coach and after playing if folks wanted to talk about where they want there lives to go....I could help them. And then of course, there are parties for birthdays where we could all make something for a loved one. Or Scrabble nights cause I just love drinking tea and playing scrabble. Writing this now, it reminds me of what I would like to give myself everyday. Time to play.

Nancy told me almost immediately that she is getting some tests done because she is having some cognitive issues. She is having trouble calculating numbers and such. She will find out more form the test she is having today. What I didn't say to Nancy but thought almost immediately was, this problem it doesn't take away your amazing personality. The amazing person you are is not wrapped up in this issue. Yes, maybe it is Alzheimer's or dementia...but meeting her yesterday she is one of the smartest and liveliest people I had ever met. These issues are immensely stressful but she still found time to give to me. My grandmother has dementia. Unlike Nancy, who remembered what happened on our walk, my grandmother's short term memory is gone. My grandmother doesn't really know who I am on the phone anymore. But my Grandmother is happier now than she was for decades before dementia started taking her memory. Whatever happens health issues can't take away your spirit. It was a powerful powerful walk.

Nancy and I found a mutual love of Somatic Arts. We talked excitedly about Anna Halprin and about modalities of learning through the body. I think it is an amazing form of expression and learning. She then invited me to a Feldenkrais workshop in Montara and she offered to pick me up! Being a non-driver is becoming such a pain....cause all these little beach side towns are far apart walking isn't an option. The good thing is I am trying to sequester myself here so I will make ART.
So our walk discussing bodily energy, our artistic lives, and memory ended with a promise to meet up very shortly after that. I felt light after walking with Nancy. Like something had been lifted off the middle of me. Like I was floating a bit in my stomach and chest area. Like a kindred spirit had been found. I liked how Nancy jumps into life. How she jumped into the walk. How in just minutes of starting we jumped past the introduction part and just got to talking about the deep stuff. I have backed off from searching out what I desire and just settling and that doesn't do me any good. Getting out there and searching and trying out things...that is what keep me alive.
The most important question Nancy gave to me on the walk was "How can you make life better where you are right now, as in the location you are living, and with the resources you have?" I had discussed how I lived in La the past 5 years...and here I am thinking of leaving LA. And she asked me what could we create that would make me want to stay in LA?
After the Feldenkrais workshop, all I can think about is leading and healing through movement. How can I get trained so that I can help people move easier through life?
Amazing walk with an amazingly creative and inspiring woman. Thanks Nancy!

HMB Walk #2: Jamie

What is key to Walk with Me working is having a community member that can connect you to awesome people to walk with. And there always seems to be a reason why the people who say yes, do say yes.
Jamie is a friend of Laura, the woman running the residency. Jamie is an artist who makes amazing clothing from recycled fabric. It is more than that....I mean she made a dress out of a tent. Like in the style of a medieval woman. It is pretty awesome. She also draws and paints. She is a very composed woman. I mean she walks in and you are like. This person is put together.
The fogs were amazing. The sun was just burning through the fog....so it created this spotlight that made the plants brillant and then the background was grey and opaque.
She is also very open to walking with some woman she has never met in the tiny town of Half Moon Bay. We chatted with Laura and her daughter Coleen for a little bit and we got to walking. We walked along the bluffs and chatted amicably about family and moving from home to the wild lands of California. It was so refreshing to hear of someone so firm in her belief that this is where she should be.
Our conversation was immediately open after talking openly about life while with Laura. I was so impressed with how Jamie fell in love and with all that brings with it. Including step-kids, she seemed to know it was the right person. And there I was blurting out how I had been keeping a safe distance from people for many a year. Jamie clasped my hand and I don't remember what she said but it was a really soothing moment.
There were a lot of people about and after reading Jamie's reflections she was conscious of them. But during the walk, i would have had no idea. We just chatted along. She did sort of flutter her hands a few times....sort of like loosening them. And we did stop holding hands for her to show me the length of a shirt she had made.
It was a really really enjoyable walk. And over time the "reason" for the walk became apparent. We are two 30 something artist. Who wonder where the passion of what we do is? We are getting out of the rut of mid career artists. I didn't even see myself as an artist till a few years ago. But I have been doing this for, at least, 10 years. Jamie spoke of coming to NorCal and being so glad people didn't know her as AN ARTIST. I can see how this gives you freedom and takes off the pressure. Wow, that sounds nice. For me, I fight so hard to fit into the art world. I fight so hard to keep my head above water. To have people acknowledge me.....here I am doing this project and realizing my burn out is HIGH. That I want to just run away from something I can't really run away from cause it is part of me.
Overall, a great walk. Jamie wrote a lot about the sort of thoughts of apprehension women have when we walk on these walks. If other people are making assumption, thinking about the "male gaze", and if your mother would approve of this project. This quote is my favorite though, "Perfection is all in our minds as an illusion making us uncomfortable & taking us away from ."

the moment

First walk in Half Moon Bay!!!! Walk with Me Part Deux: Walk with Kati

 While getting food, Laura and I run into her daughter at the grocery store! Kati had replied to my facebook invite and seemed super excited to be a part of my project! Which felt really great to have someone close to my age say "Sure! I'll walk with you!" The really great thing is Kati agreed that we could try to walk multiple times. In this way, we could maybe think up a deeper connection/profound project instead of just our reflections. Luckily, since this was our first walk....we just needed to walk and hold hands. Lofty ideas can be for later.

Kati met me at her Mom's house around 10am and we went over to Smith Field. A local dog park on the beach. It has a lot of great windy gravel paths. It was a warm day. Kati is an event planner and we ran into a dog walker she is hoping to have be a part of a dog friendly day at her work. I really like Kati's confidence and drive when it comes to her job. Truthfully, it reminded me of when I loved jobs I had in the past and I gave it my all. And then it reminded me of how in the past year or so, I had an experience where I grew so very tired of giving my all. It was so refreshing to see someone passionate about their job.
We talked a lot about relationships, the local area that I am learning about, about a mutual mentor who has helped us both make great strides in our life, and about the project. It was fun to see a landing strip for toy planes hidden among the reeds and pass by lots of dogs and their owners. Everyone was very kind to us and smiled hello.

What is great about my walk with Kati is it made me realize I can't come to Half Moon Bay and just keep reflecting like I have done for the last 47 walks. I am ready to dig deeper into this project. I don't know what that means yet. Perhaps visual sketches or different exercises with those I walk with.
What is great is that the effects of a walk have stayed the same. Both of us, were relaxed after our walk. A sense of joy and calm sink into me while we walked. I can't remember everything we talked about but I remember the view of the bluffs and the sea. The great feeling of starting again with this project. I have a lot of worries about how many people I can get to walk with me in this smaller coastal town. Especially with some people being a bit frightened of holding hands. But Kati's walk made me realize that just like my worries on my tour, they are just that, worries, nothing more.
Feeling so glad to be here at Laura's and having the time to explore and the time to take in the sea.
I don't always do this but Kati had the most beautiful words to record our walk:
"The sound of the surf meeting the shore anew,
As we learn from one another
about where we are,
where we have been, and where we will end up.
Reminds me that each day
brings new treasure to behold.
New memories to hold dear,
Just as we hold hands
along the ocean bluffs."
How perfect!

Half Moon Bay Introduction

It has been a long road to Half Moon Bay. And I held it in my heart as the end of a long journey. A place where I could hang my hat as they used to say. Arriving in Half Moon Bay was what I thought it would be because Laura, the woman opening her house to me is an amazing person. I have visited her as a friend two times and always left HMB filled with a sense of ease and renewed. We have been talking about me visiting as an artist in residence for almost a year now. I didn't realize that in my new capacity. I would feel a bit overwhelmed at first. We are planning an amazing large scale event. Where folks will come to Half Moon Bay and walk with strangers on the beach. It is just getting started but it will be a magical day.
There is a rhythm to being a nomad. Where the first few days are rough, and then you usually have a break down and then feel much better. Coming to HMB followed that ritual. I came in and got to meet all of these awesome Bad Art Night friends of Laura's and then I got to chill. In Paige style I am pushing myself pretty far....training for a half marathon as I settle in. That has been a challenge but it also keeps my mind of the biggest stress/terror of all....having time to make VISUAL art! I have already been battling the....oh my god....my visual art SUCKS.....I can't sell any of this....I shouldn't even get started none of my work will be any good. I still haven't ordered supplies to paint. I have watercolors and some illustration board. But I will triumph over this half marathon AND over my fear of more traditional mediums!
I will make sure to take some photos of the lovely folks of Bad Art Night, Laura will invite them to convene at the end of the month on Friday. As it is a bi-monthly art party of making BAD art! No holds bar, just do whatever you want. With my terror of VISUAL art, it is a great place for me to be. I will take some photos of what I make next week.
So I made it! I am here in Half Moon Bay!

Walk with ME: LA STUDS walk: Carole

For the past two weeks I have been in LA, I was able to get some work at the Ben Maltz Gallery deinstalling the "Chan & Mann" show and installing "Tapping the Third Realm." In July, I ran into Carole on the tour Elena Mann and Audrey Chan and she asked for me to do Walk with Me in September for STUDS. A new group of artists that will check out shows and have other artists give talks. A great little facebook group that shares info on openings. 

I expected a small group but Carole was the only STUD who showed. Which ended up being fortuitious so we could do a walk for the project. Carole and I walked at the beach at the end of Ocean Park Blvd around 615pm. I wasn't nervous to walk with Carole because she is an amazingly outgoing artist who from the get go has been easy to talk to. Every time I see her I feel inspired to keep making work. Carole was wearing her hair up in these great braids. And after a week of really hot weather, it was cool at the beach. Wrapped up in a long sleeve shirt felt wonderful! 

After chatting on the cement for a few minutes about living life on the road, we started out going towards Santa Monica Pier. The beach was sort of crowded since it was a Sunday. But it wasn't overly packed. There were tiny little shells lining the coast...it was strange as there were baby shells that seemed like they had living things in them. Why had they washed up on shore? 

Carole and I talked about the project, about holding hands and her husband, how used to people staring I have gotten when I walk with women, how gender is played out in this project. We talked about her growing up in Huntington Beach and how much nicer the sand is there. It was great because with Carole there were little pockets of silence that felt really wonderful. 

I am starting to feel really selfish. Because of the SURGE of joy I feel on these walks. I was just smiling away walking down the beach with my friend. What a great way to spend a Sunday. Made me wonder how do I make this art? Is it art inherently with the structure I put around it and the Artist Book I published. Does this need to mean more? Or can it continue to stay this simple as I continue?

Carole and I had to turn back so that her car wouldn't be locked up in the beach lot. We continued to chat easily and sat down to write our reflections. It was great how we kept holding hands until we got to the bench. A hobo was singing anti-rich people songs in the background. Talking about his thrift store clothes.

 

It was a great feeling to walk with Carole. She asked about gender and how people reacted. I brought up that for some there is fear of walking girl and girl. But I think she was trying to get to something larger. A different concept about gender. I will have to ask her about it. 

As I get ready to leave for Half Moon Bay to continue the project. I have been panic-y and I have been anxious. Wondering what was wrong. I think it has been that I haven't held hands in two months. I am panic-y because I haven't been doing the project. I am very excited to get back to it. Nervous to see how half Moon Bay will respond and to get to work. I am really excited to have access to a studio. I am excited to write and to draw and to paint and possibly to WEAVE. 

Thank you Carole for telling me I can keep making money in the corners of my days and keep this project a going.