Neither Here Nor There

Awesome Door in Koreatown

Just trying to keep blogging and sharing as a new transition occurs.

I have been in LA for about a month now. I came here thinking I was going to stay. 

I had a place to crash. Part time jobs lined up. 

Every day was a panic attack. As I looked for my own place. As I searched for full time jobs. 

My parents said they would help me with a few months rent if need be. 

I was set. 

But I wasn't. Riding the bus around LA. The idea of commuting on two buses a day or a train and a bus…not knowing where I would fit in this huge city was getting terrifying. But I came back here cause I knew how it all worked. I was fitting myself into the box I had left. forgetting all I had learned the last year, I was trying to go back where I had been. Well that doesn't work so well. Suddenly, the air quality, the noise pollution, the way things were rubbed me the wrong way. Many conversations with acquaintances felt so shallow. So not what I am looking for in my life. I do not want to be seen as a whiner or as a spazz. There is just something to listening to your gut. I am know to have freak outs. I am trying to make sure that this isn't just a dramatic moment that I will regret later. 

Isa Ramen Tea Cup

I signed up for an amazing Chris Kraus writing class and would go to class all excited and revived. Making art has always been my escape and my elation…the best of life is in creating. Getting to focus and let go…just like in meditation, make me supremely happy. Plus, Chris is like a LA legend and I was so pumped to get into her class. I like a little art social economic value in my teachers. I must admit it was to be cool as much as to work on my writing. The results have been amazing already. I am engaged and adoring every minute of it. The thing is….if I leave LA. I will be leaving the class. 

Print Art from LA Art Book Fair

This post is about leaving. Losing. Getting swallowed up. Three weeks of panic attacks disappeared when I decided to go back to Minnesota. Maybe it is just a delay. Maybe when I go back to Minnesota, I will get panicked all over again about job finding. But for now, the decision feels right 90% of the time. I don't know maybe I was just stressed and I cried it all out on the phone Thursday. 

Here is the thing though. Home. I know it is a state of mind. I know families are a messy psychological state at best. Well, I just want all that. I want to see my mother. I want to see my father. I want to go to family events. More than that there is Minnesota. The land where I would stare at trees in wonder for minutes at the time. Learning to observe. Learning to see detail. LA is a land where time is  money. I can't seem to find room for me here. I came unprepared. Retreat! Retreat! Regroup! This city will eat me alive if I don't come back with better armor. With a job in hand. I don't want to scrap by for 6 months to a year. Hell, I miss trees. I even miss seasons. 

People are treating me like a walking wounded. Like I have a limb missing. I am just moving to a smaller art world where maybe someone will pay attention to me. This last year has taught me that I have it. I am passionate and I have follow through. I want that roll to keep rolling and LA was slowing my jam. So, I got to go where the flow is. As I saw friends at art events, rushing around with no time to be present with me. I start to think that I am making a good decision. 

Zines to research for LGBT elders book project

I am hoping to start a new project getting verbal histories from LGBT elders in Minnesota. I think we are at an important moment to collect the stories of those who lived through a time where they were more likely to get arrested for being gay and a time where in some states gay folks can get married legally. I would like to preserve those stories and make limited edition artist books with the interviews in them. 

I want the time for a garden. I want to have to wait through winter to see flowers bloom. 

Is Minnesota a for sure thing? No. No way. It will be just as hard. I have no idea what will happen. But my body and intuition say go home. Rest up. Try something new.