The In-Between

The last year I keep talking about this being my "in-between" year. That I need to ride out this in-between space. The fear, the emotion, the joys, the fatigue. But the longer I am here. The more I realize that this "in-between" is the juicy spot. The spot where life is. The place where I get to explore and keep growing. I don't want to stop doing that. some people judge my actions as wrong, failure, or just plain crazy and what I learned this last year is they are all wrong. It is nothing so black and white. Life is a grey area. It can be fun. It can be misery. You build what grey means to you.

For a year, I didn't have a home. On purpose. I packed everything. Gave things away. And I left LA. I traveled. Did a residency. I am still processing what I learned from Walk with ME travels. Now I am in Minnesota. And the "in-between" doesn't end. I moved into a duplex that a day in became a duplex with a leaky roof. Leaking right into my roommate's room. A lapsed landlord who didn't seem worried about any of it. Even after an inspector came out to the house. A house he shares with us. as he is our downstairs neighborhood.

Here I was, "settling down" and well my roommate and I have to move. With that, I realized with being in a very good emotional place. I wanted to live alone. Battling depression on and off for years, I have done some great work and feel ready to truly take care of myself. It is truly work. This means looking at lots of things I have covered up. This means not being co-dependent on anyone. It doesn't end. New experiences throw me into emotions I haven't let myself feel. Liking people. Romance. Things I have ignored or shunned. I am now letting in and it throws me for a new loop. All these choices about sex, love, and companionship. What do I want it to look like and how does it feel?
How does a 33 year old take it slow? How do I ask for what I want and not feel hurt when dudes just want to sleep with me?

As I walk down Second St. a butterfly lands on a flower. It is a gorgeous large yellow and black butterfly. I wait to get a better look following it's loopy journey to the next flower. So here I am in the "in-between"... realizing that life is allowing life to keep you on this edge of knowing and unknowing. Of protecting yourself while letting yourself be open. The "in-between" is also about career, family, and spirituality. I am always wanting more. Feeling less than. Than leveling out and realizing what I have is awesome and enough. Riding these waves better than ever before, now I have the job of finding out what I truly love. I love a butterfly. I love a good book. I love seeing where a path can take you.

As I walked to work, I thought about this next year alone in a new apartment as my time to see how things go. To let go. And just create a place to rest and not push. Not take on the next big project but just what see what project comes to me...to see what men come into my life and what they can bring me. I love dreaming up the next travel adventure and asking the world for what I want. I am done seeing myself as unfulfilled because I can't afford to travel the world. But rather see what I gift I have finding adventure in a walk to work and a trip to the lake. I hope for balance. But mostly, I hope to be ok with this "in-between" that is life.

Walk with ME: Finale Walks at Walker Open Field: What a Great Night!

If I would have known how awesome the atmosphere of Thursday Nights at the Walker were. I would have asked to do Walk with ME on all the Thursdays. :) It was a great night. It wasn't too hot. It wasn't too cold. It was just right.

I got to the Walker a bit early. Drinking down as much iced tea and water as I could. For some reason I am ravishly hungry and thirsty this summer. I am not working out much so I am not sure what my deal is. I went with a slightly more aggressive approach of hanging out more zines. Also, there was just a more social feel to the Thursday night. There were three different programs of the Walker presenting events. So it was a busy night.

I went up to the Open Field Social table and handed out some zines and a woman exclaimed "Oh the hand holding project! I want to do that!" Now large companies PAY people to do that. Exclaim out of no where their excitement for a product or a person or an event, and wow! Here was a willing participant. Nicole was her name and she was one of the hosts of the Social event. I told her we would keep it short so she could get back to her job of hosting and away we went.

Pic taken by passer by couple

Nicole is a confident, beautiful woman who felt no nerves about holding my hand. We spoke about touch and our culture. She told me how she thinks it is silly we are so weird about paying for touch from massage to sex. I have to agree with her. My father thinks massages are for sickos. I get massages sometimes three times a month. I don't think I am sick. I think I am trying to balance out my body and as a single person that tries not to sleep with people outside of a relationship (and I haven't had a relationship in quite some time) massages are not sexual but they are intimate. Something I need just as much as sex is intimacy. Massage therapists give that. As far as getting paid for sex, I think there is nothing wrong with it in principle. BUT patriarchal prostitution I have a problem with. If EMPOWERED women and men could get paid to give sex to others. I think that is great. And I am sure there are a handful of sex workers out there that give just that. It is the women and men in slavery that shouldn't be giving sex for money. This is a huge topic. One I have no answers to but I agree with Nicole. Sex should be something that can be given in different contexts. Though what I am finding out about myself is that I am very comfortable with touch and cuddling many folks. I am far too sensitive to want to have sex outside of a well constructed romantic monogamous relationship. I don't know if it was my up bringing OR just who I am. As I start to date we shall see how I navigate this.

Nicole and I went straight into the heart of the mini golf set up. Catching a few glances but mostly just cruising around. On our way down there a nice couple took our picture while another couple laughed at us. There were many pairs holding hands. The Walker First Thursdays brings out a lot of people on first dates, older couples who love art, and families. The diversity I saw was amazing. Nicole is a social worker, a thankless job if ever there was one but I could tell that Nicole must be an amazing social worker with they way she handled this unusual experience. With grace, boldness, and savvy. I felt really lucky to have Nicole be willing and excited to be a part of my project.

When Nicole and I had left, a woman had shouted out "Oh!! You are going for a walk with her!" And I knew who my next walker would be. Her name is Jessica. Very tall woman in her 30s. People dress up to go to the Walker. That is the way we treat special events at cultural institutions and I think in Minnesota people look for reasons to dress up. Jessica immediately started telling me intimate things. A fight her and her boyfriend had about hand holding! how perfect! Why she likes her boyfriend including his dimples. I love this about hand holding. That she felt ready to share right away. We walked around the Sculpture Garden and I loved watching Jessica gesture. She gestured about being together and intimate as this straight line between two people with her hands. That gesture will stay with me and i hope to use it in my next performance. I liked hearing about Jessica's relationship. It gave me hope for my own. She let there be inconstancies. The way in which people infuriate you and make you swoon. From dimples to communication we make things work because we want to. We learn and we commit. I find this amazing. Jessica had been divorced and she is doing this thing called love differently this time. How wonderful. I loved Jessica's energy. As the walk ended things shifted and I spoke a bit about my boy situation and she was supportive. After reading Jessica's notes. I could tell that she was sort of waking up to the fact we were holding hands. She started to leave the just the two of us stage and see that we were surrounded by others. Which can be frightening. She wrote that afterwards she felt exhilarated. Full of adrenaline.
I wonder what part I play in that excitement. Do I create a channel for that? By holding hands to I give you a bunch of my energy? I know while traveling. I gave it all away. I was a ball of tired by the time I arrived in Georgia.

I am much more centered now. And a friend of Jessica's came up to walk. His name is Mark. Mark is hearing impaired and wears hearing aids. He asked if it would work for him to walk with me because of his hearing lose. I told him I have done silent walks so I couldn't see a problem. We started out silent but it wasn't hard to turn and talk to Mark so that he could see my lips for the lip reading he does. It was a very sweet walk. It was easier for Mark to speak than for him to read my words. But we had a great conversation about his cats Petey and Penny. Penny the grouchy older cat. And Petey the cat that found him at the shelter.

I liked how deliberate things felt with Mark. Slowing down to understand eachother. His hand was easy to hold and there was a small hitch in his elbow but overall it felt like he was relaxed. He even when explaining him meeting Petey he showed me how Petey's face moved around in the cage, getting closer and then farther away from my face. I was so unprepared for that! And it was so playful.
Mark has never lived anywhere other than Minneapolis and one year in St. Paul. His mother died and he has lived in that house ever since. It was interesting to hear of him speak about the stress of moving. How he just doesn't handle that and doesn't want it. Which is so different to my attitude about moving and stress. I see those things propelling me. Moving me places that bring around change. I am starting to get this staying still. But I wonder. I wonder what we do when we push ourselves and we change things up, what that does for us? I like someone who has never lived outside of the state. And well that scares me. And I thought of that while walking with Mark. The thing is. Moving doesn't equate to success or emotional stability or many positive things. I really like how grounded Mark was. I liked that he doesn't believe in fate. he believes in happy coincidences. I am opening up to this view point. I explained how much I had moved and he was astonished. I don't know what I am driving at here. Maybe that it is ok to want to be where I am. That I am letting go of the modern idea that travel is where all change comes from. I think change comes from within. I am ready for some real change. I am thinking about it isn't if you can afford to travel the world. Being invigorated by the world is a mind set and a choice. Mark shook my hand as we said thank you for the walk.

Now, three walks is a lot to do in a day. Three is the most I had done in a day. Until today. I knew my co-worker was coming to walk. Which was really exciting to have that type of cross over. As I may have mentioned in my blog. I really like my job at MTN. And Jessica is someone who has impressed me with her professionalism and smarts. She also is adventurous and seems to have a full life outside of work. I envy her that. She showed up just as I had ended an interview about feminism for another awesome Walker Open Field project. I discussed how I think gender is fluid, #YesAllWomen and it's powerful message, my thoughts on supreme court and birth control, and being a woman who rides transit.

I was nervous to walk with Jessica, she is a very pretty young woman. Though we are co-workers I am aware how so much more prettier she is than I. We started right out to the Sculpture Garden. She told me though she has been in MPLS for 3 years just a few weeks ago was her first time at the sculpture garden. Our conversation was pretty nervous and about work. Then we spoke about the garden itself. How Jessica hadn't been there. We didn't look at each other much. But holding Jessica's hand felt familiar and easy. She wore stripes. She spoke about the arbor and the glass house arboretum and it's similar structures as tunnels. I loved that.

We looked at the flowers. Talked about an amazing project some folks in Rochester are making to help new Minnesotans understand that park land is public and free. What they can do with their children in those parklands. Like bike ride, look at flowers, picnic, etc. Towards the end we took a photo of ourselves in front of the Spoon Cherry. Me discussing how when I was younger I thought the spoon cherry was the WORST. Being an art student, I didn't see the profound importance of it. Now I think it is great, it gets people who are not into art, near a museum and maybe they will learn more about art by looking up Oldenberg.

At the very end, Jessica opened up about herself as we walked through the Jenny Holzer part of the park. It reminded her of New Harmony, IN. An Utopic tourist destination that I almost accepted a job at. We talked about her family connection to the chapel there and how she had dreamed of being married there. It was a small glimpse for a reserved person. But that place is magic and I like that we both know of it.

It was a great way to end the walks, walking with Jessica. She wrote that she felt energized afterwards! And that it was so nice to walk with someone her own height. That is probably why it felt so easy. I am fortunate to start a life in Minnesota where I work somewhere that has openminded adventurous smart people. People who even support my art. Doesn't that feel great?
This night was a great way to end the stint of Walk with ME at the Walker. I enjoyed talking with Gabi and Laura. I enjoyed listening to Balkan music after my shift. I enjoyed the one glass of wine I had to come down off the high of walking. My cold summer squash sandwich. I am settling into Minneapolis. I am letting go of expectations. I am trying not to set too many goals. I let the night air cricket, rippet, and rustle me through Loring Park and to my bus stop. I am tried to reach out to someone I care about. And I have to be ok when they don't want to connect. I am going with the flow and I know that each day brings me love and surprises I can't be ready for. I walk now with a confidence I didn't have a year ago. I feel my feelings and I know that they come and go. My effort remains the same to give what I got and to smile, cry, and touch with extreme passion. I feel very lucky to be alive.

Walk with ME @ First Free Saturdays @ Walker Art Center

I woke up in a much better mood to walk this Saturday. I knew that a few folks were planning on coming and I had slept better than the week before. Also, I had decided to give the walk a specific time and have an open time of 12-3pm. I got to the Walker Sculpture Garden and it was HOPPING with families out for First Free Saturdays.  

Here is my awesome spot. 

I got there early and set up the zines and books. A few folks stopped by and I told them about the project. What I found amazing were the people who came near my lovely shaded tent and I would say hi to them and they wouldn't say anything. Literally looking in my direction and they just....stood there. Now, I have mentioned in other posts that I feel like Minnesotans are reticent about this project. I thought maybe I was making it up. That I was just nervous to be home and that I was over exaggerating. I KNOW there are people in LA that would scoff at this project and think it strange. But here I am in an art garden and people are freaked. In LA, I feel like folks that come to art things are a bit more ready for this type of experience. I know I have glorified LA and I am scoffing at Minneapolis' ability to be open. But I am starting to get some data that supports that hypothesis. 

BUT that makes it EVEN MORE EXCITING when folks say YES to this! Gabi and Laura helped me recruit for the 130pm and we all struck out. I approached a good 15 people and not a one would come over. Then a new friend of mine, Carlos showed up. Boy, was I happy to see Carlos. Even if nothing else happened today. I could walk with Carlos. Gabi is an awesome intern at volunteered to walk. So I sent Gabi and Carlos off on a walk. 

During the half hour before the walk was meant to start I spoke to a few groups of folks. They took zines. I begged to young adults to walk. They were not into it. My friend texted saying that her and her crew would come Thursday night for my last walk with me. So I was like "Well, one walk is good enough for me." I don't want to bribe, beg, or bitch to get walks. I want them to come to me a bit. Those are the best ones. So up, walk two kids and their Mom. And the teen girl was wearing a M tshirt. And I just knew that M stood for Minnetonka. Minnetonka is where I grew up. So I said "Hey you guys go to Minnetonka?" "I went there!" I explained the project expecting the rejection I had gotten all day from families. And the Mom, Maria, turned to the kids and said, "Well, hey, do you want to walk with the person that created this project?" They said yes, we took a walk around the pond. Mr. Stranger, (the character Cameron had created at another First Saturday event) and Macie. We spoke of where I went to elementary school. If I went to West or East. The concerns of teens. I asked them how they felt walking with me. Fine. I don't feel like I imparted any wisdom to them. I was a bit nervous to walk with kids. As an adult, I always want to make sure I am appropriate with them. My life is not filled with kids. I didn't want to swear or say anything too liberal. I exclaimed how jealous I was that they got to go to Excelsior. As I love Excelsior. We got back to the table and there was another family there. I explained the project and the mother looked pretty shocked. So away I went on a walk with Maria. 

Maria grew up in the city but has moved into the western suburbs. We talked about what diversity was. As a city person, she went to a school with a lot of different races. But we hit upon an interesting concept the diversity of a western suburb school. That now there are kids from all over the world that end up in those schools and that folks she went to school with never leave their hometown. She was speaking to openmindedness. That maybe color is not the only type of diversity. As people she went to school with never left their neighborhood. I think it speaks of class. You can move around and become a more tolerant person if you have the money to feel comfortable in those moves. But I agree with her that being open to diversity is something that you learn and embrace or you do not. It was very awesome to hear that where I grew up is expanding a bit with kids of different races being more blended into the upper middle culture I grew up in. I am so glad that this amazing woman takes her kids out of Minnetonka and brings them to meet crazy artists like me. Crazy artists that end up being from the same place. When they all left I told them not to take everything too seriously. Which maria probably thought was kind of funky. I just remember the pressure out there. to be perfect. To fit in. To say the right thing. I hope those kids stepped out of that for a few minutes while we walked and talked. I applaud Maria for leaving her comfort zone of the city. Caring for her kids' education. And integrating the city with the suburb. 

When Maria and I got back Gabi and Carlos had finished their walk. I was jazzed by how things had played out. I don't win any audience participation awards but I was very true to my art form and I didn't dumb it down for the kid audience. I felt supported by Gabi and Laura and I enjoyed meeting another artist who has ties to LA that I had wanted to meet. 

Carlos finished up his writing. I have to mention I didn't walk with Carlos, cause I was worried he came with some romantic intentions. Carlos can refute this. But I avoided that situation, because I am kind of madly interested in someone else. I told Carlos when I met him that I was seeing someone. Which is a bit of a lie. As the guy I like and I, have not discussed that future. In all honesty, I wish this person I have feelings for would have been at the Walker yesterday (distance is a factor). Anyway, I felt super honored that Carlos had come AND I hope that Carlos and I can be friends. What an awesome guy to show up to a crazy ass art project! So Carlos and I had some coffee, lunch (Jasmine Deli the absolute best), and checked out my friend's art show. Carlos was kind enough to drive me home. Both of us are going through a major transitions, we were able to talk about some serious things and just have fun. I had a great time chatting.

The most amazing things always happen after walks and the amazing thing that happened yesterday happened while Carlos and I stopped at the Quatrefoil Library to return my VERY VERY overdue books. Andy Strudevant and I had gone to the Quatrefoil Library so I could become a member in June! And my books were due in July. And here it was the beginning of August. Two amazingly fun gay men were the volunteer libraries that late afternoon. Jean and well, he joked that is name was Wayne, so that is what I now have to call him. Wayne was wearing an amazing Espirit belt and looked like an elderly GQ model if GQ models were super skinny men. He wore white, red and blue and it looked fashionable not like a fourth of July outfit. Jean looked super familiar, like he goes to my mother's church or something, in a plaid button down tshirt. No matter, we all got to talking and I told them about Walk with ME. By the end of it, Jean had volunteered to walk with me! And he said he thought other folks involved with Quatrefoil would probably want to walk also. THIS WAS SOMETHING I had WANTED to DO!!!! I had put up a road block that I needed to contact the Spirit on Lake people and do it all formally and here is this guy saying "Hey! Let's do this!" All causal like. Nothing wrapped up in bureaucracy. Ahhhh when things fall in place. Let's hope my walk with Jean happens. I truly hope it does. I want to hear the stories of Jean's era of being gay and I want to honor it and write about it. Here's hoping! 

Laura and I before the walks. 

Walk with ME: No Walks

I woke up grumpy. Like real crabby. Why? Cause it has been so hot and humid here in Minneapolis. I am not made to wake up sweaty and feeling like I am carrying around extra water weight. The other thing was, I woke up knowing there wasn't going to be any walks at Walker Open Fields. I just felt it.

I want to stop this chronological story telling to say a few things. When I saw that the Walker had opened a Public Practice Programs Director. I cheered. I wanted her job. But mostly I cheered. It was one of the reasons I felt good about  moving to Minneapolis. I am slowly getting to know people here. I am terrified of being rejected but I also no longer kiss ass. Which in LA, there were so many asses I kissed. Mostly metaphorically. Maybe one or two ass kisses happened while dancing. They were purely platonic. I also know how hard it is to put on events. I do it as my job. Alas, this Saturday, Open Fields was put on top of a hill out of the way of all the foot traffic. The awesome Open Field director said I could venture down to the sculpture garden to invite folks to walk. But there we were five different artists, mostly in a U-shape. And I felt a solidarity to them. Staying with theme. Like well, if I am meant to walk someone will come up here.

I had a great chat with an artist and her husband. I thought for SURE I could get the lady to walk with me. Alas, their son was one of the other artists so they were there to support him. And well they thought it was a great project but it was too scary...or so it felt.

An amazing Dad of two, came up and with a 7 month old strapped to the front of him asked some really insightful questions. Taking the time to be an adult for a minute while his 3 year old wanted to boss him around. That was an amazing moment to me. That he wanted to keep my zine and talk about my project seriously. (Please remember how crabby I started the day.)

Getting Set Up for Open Field

If someone gave me a check list of if my performance yesterday was a success. It would be diagnostically a no. No walks happened. I worried that the organizers would be upset at me for not following through not BUSKING in the park to get someone to walk. I just wanted to wait and see. I wanted a walk to come to me.

Well it didn't come but some other great things did. In the form of a clown. One of the other performers was a clown. And she was set up next to me. I like supporting artists. And with our slow turn out there was time to chat. I had time to chat with most of the artists. And it turned out that this lovely clown, Scooper, is opening up a business right by where I will live. I will let her announce her awesome news when she and her business partners are ready but DANG it felt serendipitous to meet this friendly woman who is passionate about art and opening a cool business by where I just decided to live! After a much maligned experience in my leaky Minneapolis slum lord apartment. We ended up having lunch after Open Field and discussing my desire to put together a Feminist Film Festival here in Minneapolis. Her time in Colorado. And possible funding opportunities for me. Along with much more. And though there were no walks. It sure felt like I came to Walker Open Fields to meet some nice artists including Scooper. Serendipity. Or something. I mean cool people propose projects to Walker Open Field.

So after many sunny hours and a back sunburn (I couldn't find my sunscreen but luckily Laura had some later in the day that saved my face and chest from burn.) A lovely lunch. I went and watched a fantastic performance by Maren Hassinger for the Radical Presence show that just opened at the Walker. She had local women artists, rip, twist, knot together, and roll into a ball newspaper and then the last woman threw the ball into the crowd. To me actually which was exciting and terrifying. I quickly threw it to the woman next to me. As a performance artist I loved every minute of it. And then we as a crowd got to make them. Things got very communal and loud and lovely as we all made our twisted newspaper strings. What I was in awe of was hands. Of course, doing walk with me. Holding hands and all I am attuned to them. But everyone noticed the glory of these women's hands. I noticed how differently each woman did each task. It was a glorious meditation. http://www.walkerart.org/calendar/2014/radical-presence-performance-maren-hassinger

I then went in watched The Clock, for awhile. Which I find panic inducing as there is no space to forget time and each minute. I wait for it to pass. I will go back though for the extended hour night and try to stay up late watching it.

I then grabbed a chihuahua dog at the hot dog stand and spent an hour and half reading "Americanah," by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie . Which is a most amazing book! I hope it ends up as a book read in colleges. My time in Africa makes me relate to some of it's issues of race and class more. But I think anyone would enjoy reading this book. A huge African wedding came into the garden as I packed up to go to "Wild Moon Bhaktis" the amazing Kirtan music group I spent 2+ hours with meditating and chanting. My friend Laila plays the flute with them often. She invited me and I had wanted to go for so many of their full moon celebrations. I am very glad I made it as I sang my heart out. Sat in meditation on the floor for two hours without my foot going to sleep (!) that is a first! There is nothing like being intuned to your spiritual center and then even make small movements. It is a strange and powerful feeling. Afterwards, I was blissed out beyond belief. I felt high. What a better way to get there than drugs!

Laila and I went out for a drink afterwards at The Lowry (cause they have a parking lot!). Laila and I most definitely vibrate at the same high frequency. There are not that many of us out there. As Laila pointed out we are Highly Sensitive People. They have labeled us. I was proud as a highly Sensitive Person to not take today too seriously. To find the definite bright spots. To celebrate the hard work the Open Field people put in to make it happen. Can't wait to make the Group Walk next Saturday a more conventionally successful event. To celebrate what I have. A growing in depth friendship network here in Minnesota. A growing calm in loving myself and others. And a high vibration to hum/enact/set fire in this world.

Walk with ME: Walker Open Fields: Walk with ME Jon

So it was an intense moment coming back to the Walker after walking with my Mom. My body felt wide open, cracked open and sort of buzzing, humming. I felt bad because as per usual I left my mom when I should have stayed. I usually write with the person after the walk but the walk had gone on far too long and Jon had been waiting. Jon isn't an impatient person but he had waited close to an hour to walk with me.

It is hard to explain the importance of people in your life. But I have to say knowing Jon has been rather important. Why? Cause we are very similar people. We are both angsty artists who battle the demons of art making daily. We are both extremely intelligent. We both love to be the center of attention while on stage. Jon is the husband of my life coach. I met him in the role of accountability partner. Jon helped me apply to college but more importantly came over to the house I lived on in Bryn Mawr in 2007 and he came over for dinner with myself and my roommate Anne, once or twice. We would drink tea, talk about Japan, as Anne had been there and I have a great interest. And Jon would make us laugh as he developed his performance character, Zen Master Zero. It was a ball. I was depressed at the time and Jon was a humorous light spot within that.

So to the day at Walker Open Field. It was still raining and the official activities ended early or had been cancelled. Jon had gotten some lunch while he waited for my Mom and I to return. Jon got a magenta/pink rain plastic poncho from the Walker. It said something amazing and Walker-y like "It is Happening" or something. A wonderful conceptual saying to wear on a performance walk.

We walked up the hill behind the Walker and there was a man with a cassette tape player and headset staring off into the distance. I wondered if something profound would happen...like he would say something insightful or rageful and it would be our first benchmark. But he just kept staring off into the distance. Jon and I walked into the neighborhood and we chatted about how as an artist most of the time you feel what you do is shit. Till at the last moment you think it's wonderful and then you fall back to feeling like shit. This led to the great thought that the highlights, the things you strive for are never the things that feel fantastic. It's the unexpected moments that feel the greatest. That perfect conversation. The accidental discovery. The random person you meet that loves your work. It isn't the big shows. The things you work SO hard to get to. It is the surprises.

So we walked. It kept raining. Every once in awhile Jon would squeeze my hand not completely but in pulses of two or three. Lightly. It reminded me that we were holding hands. It was reassuring to hold Jon's hand. I felt VERY GROUNDED on this walk. Possibly the most I ever had. Though we were talking about religion and art and life...I felt very grounded. Like from my very root I was being nailed to the ground.

Jon discussed how believing in a religion is a feeling not a thought. That what feels right, feels right. This coming up after we passed the Unitarian Meeting Hall. As intellectuals, I think this is an important conversation. That we can go around and around but sometimes there are no answers. Or not one answer. Or no explanation for certain things. I think that is why I turned to binge eating and why I was depressed for so long. I needed answers and the answer is no answer. Oh how Zen. Ah so.

So on we went, Jon mentions in his writing how it didn't feel like an art project. (Shhhhh don't tell the Walker) But rather just a walk with a friend. I am actually worried that maybe this just isn't art anymore. That the boundary and art and life have collapsed. There is no reason to be doing this. That Kaprow would scoff at my performance and intentions. But why did it take an art project to get Jon and I to walk together? It would probably not be ok for me to hold Jon's hand, even though Laurie and Jon are very liberal, in every day life. Art gave me this transgression of the every day. Art gave me this space to bring joy to my life and to Jon's. How nice. Thanks art. And as Jon also wrote he had just been talking to a consultant/activist named Dylan that the best ideas come from "peripatetic pedestrian experiences." There is nothing more pedestrian than walking. And hell if I remember what peripatetic means. it is too hot outside to remember.

So in contrast to an intense family walk, here I walked with someone who is a mentor and an equal. Someone who validates my interest in, well everything I am interested in. Art, philosophy, religion...though I don't think Jon watches sports. Jon and I were brought to the present moment. We were allowed big thoughts in the rain. We were allowed to think about as Jon put it "the limits of our ability to understand REALITY." From housing issues to Catholicism to The Situationists we covered all that but we did it in a mundane, pedestrian way. It was so magical.

It really started to pour as we headed back down the hill. I worried about Jon's watch getting ruined in the rain. We were terribly soaked around the edges of our rain gear. I was very cold. We wrote inside as my mom waited to have lunch with me and Jon went to watch The Clock.

On a side note, as this project has been about me opening up to the idea of loving in a romantic sense. Jon and Laurie are my role models in that field. They are one of the few truly happy couples I know. Last time, I saw Jon, he said an amazing thing. That at the time I found strange maybe even a little uncomfortable because I have been alone for so long. But now it rings so true I have to bring it up.

We were at an awesome Cambodian place Jon brought me to. He was innocently discussing how much he adores his and Laurie's kittens. How they lick eachother to help eachother bathe. How they push eachother playfully around on the bed And I burst out, "Wow that sounds lovely. I wish I could play like that with someone." Not thinking how, well, sexual and how personal that was of me to say. It just spit out of my mouth. Imagine, two kittens. That carefree love and attention they lavish on each other. Completely unselfconsciously.

 Jon with out skipping a beat and with the most sincerity said, "Yes it is fun. You deserve that. And you will find it." Something to that effect but better said. It was a lovely thing to say. Not condemning for not having it yet. Not rejecting my sexuality by thinking my comment weird. For him as a mentor, to accept that I deserve that type of care was something no man in any role had done for me. He didn't deny me my whole personality. He didn't deny that cultivating love with another person isn't important. With that silly example of two beings caring for eachother in such a carefree way really resonated with me. I find it sad it took this long to realize I could cultivate that type of space in my life. Thanks Jon. I believe you now.

Walk with ME: Walker Open Fields: Walk with ME Mom

It sounds funny to write. A walk with your Mom. As part of a serious art practice. Or does it? Here I was nervous to have my work be a part of Walker Open Field. Just sort of wondering what I was doing there as I was clearly told this was sub-programming to what happens at the Walker. Of course, that is when your mother surprises you at the first day of four that you are putting yourself out there. 

From Noon to 1pm I waited. Waited for someone to want to walk. There was much excitement as the 100 choreographers got ready. I spoke with an awesome Walker employee, Ashley about the project. I tried to get Christina to walk with me but alas she was working. I handed out a few zines to some of the choreographers hoping that after their performance I could get two of them to walk with me. All told me how cool the project was but that they were busy. Places to dash off to after the performance.

Then it started to rain. This is what I had been hoping for! I was so nervous about doing this all at the Walker I had hoped to get rained out. It started raining right when the choreographers were supposed to go on. Well, I thought, I might as well get to see this awesome performance before I go home. I had one walker, Jon, on his way. I could get that walk done and then I could go home. Maybe even get a ride from Jon. 

As, I, in my rain jacket watched Laurie Van Wieren's 4 x 4 performance where 100 choreographers performed in 4 foot by 4 foot squares…or so most stuck to the rules. My favorite was two men dancing the electric slide in their square. 

Anywho, while up the hill, my mother had arrived wondering why I wasn't by my sign. And so had my friend/roommate Andrew, with his friend Ahndi, and Jon arrived for his walk. Jon said he needed some lunch so someone else could walk first. Here I was all worried and now I had 4 WALKERS! Well, the official Open Field event may had been cancelled but the thunder and lightening had passed so we decided to walk. 

I had been pushed to do Walk with ME with family members. That exploring family emotions while holding hands would be challenging I thought it was a good idea. But I never pushed it. I had gotten push back from my family about quitting my job and taking this project on the road. As is likely of a family unit that is concerned for my health and well being. They probably thought I was gong nuts instead of striking out into fresh territory. That traveling Walk with ME will always be a pivotal moment in my life. That I still don't know where it will take me. I had family members get angry that I was bucking normal societal rules. But my mother, though wanting me to keep my former job, was supportive. At least to my face. And here she was ready for a walk. 

To say the least, I was nervous. So off we went in our rain coats into the Walker Sculpture Garden. If you read this blog, you will know I wrote a very personal blog that has caused ripples/effects through my family unit. I spoke about being sexually harassed by a family member. Realizing that it had been going on for years. These incidents have not crippled me but they most definitely have effected my relationship to how I think about men and safety. 

My mother and I started out the walk just chit chatting for five minutes. About the Walker and this project. But I felt incredibly uncomfortable. We had to talk about the blog. I apologized to my mom. Told her that I love her and Dad. But what I said I wasn't taking back. I was told by my mother that it wasn't that what I said wasn't truth it was that I had done it in public.  

I don't want to perpetuate anymore anger in my family unit. So I will keep my observations a bit truncated. One, it is powerful when women support each other. It is powerful to have a mother who will come out and walk with you when you are not the favorite person in your family unit. Two, what I am doing maybe, just maybe, can heal some of this family unit. No one wants to talk about what I am talking about. No one wants to look at the male figures in our family and say…what you did isn't right. Which goes for a lot of the male figures in my family unit. You can love someone and want to point out behavior that isn't so great. My mother was open to talking about this and reassuring me. What a gift. She isn't taking sides. She isn't steam-rolling anyone's feelings. But she didn't condemn me. 

Well, that is what love is. Isn't it? Accepting someone no matter what? It tears me up that that is what love is. Because it gives excuses a bit to all those times people have yelled at my mother. Or been mean to my mother. What I hope is that instead of being a victim, my mother can stand up and say that isn't an ok way to treat me. To those people. Including me. Cause let me tell you. I have yelled at my mother. I think that we can love and respect ourselves. I think women deserve love that isn't predicated on abuse from men or women.  

As we walked I noticed the way my mother's knuckle rubbed against my skin and moved against her skin. My mother has RA (Rheumatoid Arthritis) and it was right there in the hands that we held. To say that my mother is a powerful person is an understatement. She is stubborn and persistent and ever optimistic. She is proud of all the crazy things I have pushed myself to do. She pushes herself to do the same. 

Getting older there is a crazy shift where you are an adult and no longer need the same caring from your family. This is where the bonds can break or weaken. But with my mother I want to let her know that I don't need her cooking, her money, or her home as support. Now is the great time, when we can love each other just because.  

Walk with ME Walk #5 with Dave

I have to admit that after two walks in one day. I was exhausted. The weather had changed from sunny and windy to cloudy and colder with a bit more wind. Dave is someone I did not know when I was in Boston. He was in a band with Irina which I saw play a few times. So when I saw him he looked familiar but I don't think we ever spoke or interacted.
Dave has amazing glasses with nice big black frames. He is a skinny guy and seems bookish. i guess with the glasses. He seemed very approachable and friendly without being outgoing. I at a clementine and drank some water and got ready for walk three of the day. It felt like a chore at first getting out the door but almost immediately I was glad I had agreed to one more walk.

Dave immediately told me that he is pretty blind and has no peripheral vision. Which meant we really were not looking at each other unless we turned our heads at the same time. Dave's gait was very different form mine and I was really worried that we were not going to be able to sync up walking and that it may even be a bit painful for me. After the first ten minutes though, we were able to sync up and it was really enjoyable to walk with Dave. When we did make eye contact it was a treat cause I knew we were making the effort to see each other, not just a side glance. I could feel his bones crack a few times in his hand and his shoulder.
I felt comfortable to talk about my fears of getting older and not having a significant other. I was able to talk about my fears about the project. that people are judging me for not going out on the street and asking complete strangers. How it is actually harder for me to walk with people I know....I talked about how I am really ready to live and not achieve. That I have been very goal oriented and that now I am ready to move through life in a different way. That I want to not just focus on goals but on people. I used to live in Boston and I admitted to Dave that with what I had built up there I shouldn't have just walked away. But that when I had I never thought of moving back. That with LA I don't want to do the same thing. I can't just rip up all the roots I have there and walk away. It killed a part of me to walk away from Boston because I was walking away from a part of myself. Dave spoke of his and his girlfriends goals for the immediate future. how he understood my desire to travel and my desire not to tear up roots. He spoke of his job and his lives travels the past 10 years.

I don't know how to say this but while walking with Dave I felt like I received the whole story of Dave. Not through words. He didn't tell me his darkest secrets or his whole life story. not through words but through feelings i felt like I received Dave as a whole. With that some walks feel more healing for the other walks, some walks feel about the same, within this walk for me, I felt like i was the one that had the heart space to heal.
We walked from his house to Davis Square. Which was an emotional walk for me. As that is where one of my exes lived and where I spent a lot of time. We ended the walk at Diesel Cafe and wrote our reflections there. the earl grey tea I had there was really lovely smelling...intensified by the presence the day had walked into me.

Walk with Dirk April 18 Somerville Walk #4

 I am writing to focus on something other than the man hunt that is going on around us.
Jesse, Jenny, Opal and I have eaten corn chips, raisins...I have eaten 1/4 of a bag of BBQ kettle chips and we are settling into a sequestered but every day existence.

So let's talk about yesterday. It started out as a gorgeous day. With the sun shining, though it was a bit windy. Irina is the friend that set up a few walks for me. Dirk is her boyfriend and a performance artist. Dirk is taaalllllll man. Where as I am a pretty short woman. I met them at their house and chatted with Dirk while we waited for Irina to get home. Once there we all decided I would walk with Dirk first as Irina had just got home and wanted to rest for a second.

Dirk and I had the greatest meandering route. I even had us go in a circle cause Dirk felt I wanted to go that way...so we did. I liked walking with someone who was really present and open to feeling what happened, hence the shifts that didn't have to mean anything but were just felt. Like point B was not known but felt. With our height differences I felt like sometimes I was rushing....going really fast as Dirk leisurely strolled with his long legs.
A interesting detail is that after around 10 minutes, Dirk changed the position of his hand and rested his thumb on the outside of my hand. It felt like in that moment we both relaxed into the walk. There was something about his thumb in the crook of my finger joint that was really pleasing to me. Possibly it was a place that had never been held that way before and I enjoyed that. It gave me a lot pf pleasure.
The streets of Somerville are obstacle courses for walking and together we sort of danced around trash cans and pilons. At first I was nervous about this having to wiggle around things and then as we walked it became art and I enjoyed it.

Dirk mentioned thinking about how if someone he knew us, what would they think that it wasn't Irina? Which is an interesting question. That here I am walking with someone else's beau in the name of art. Which it is great is that it could happen. That we could have an intimate moment that was art. I don't really have any answers about this but I think it is interesting this sort of middle place where I am walking with Dirk cause I know Irina and she supports my art and because Dirk is an artist. This is muddled up...but I will keep thinking about it. See what becomes clearer as i walk with more people who are in relationships. I guess I think of myself as sort of genderless or sexless or something when I do these walks...though in LA I definitely flirted on one walk and after another walk I am attracted to a walker. This is a complicated area.  
We started a conversation about art at the end, and I got a little nervous/agitated cause I don't like to disagree on art. I am glad that I got to walk with an artist that seemed to inately understand what I was doing but then I was worried we wouldn't agree on it all. Which I ended up thinking after writing about "How do we talk about art without words? theories?" If as artist we get fed up with theories and find them a waste of time...how do we speak? how do we balance the intuition that gets us to the great moment of creation? How do we stay playing as we validify what we do? Is there a way? What are theories but the reflection of the act of art?
Great great walk! 

5 days until Boston

 

Wednesday, April 10...what day it is has a lot less importance as work, art, and life, get all blurred together. I am feeling incredibly lucky to have created the time and space to explore what my life can be and what art is to me. It has been a really long week of saying good bye and trying to work as much as I can. So I can pay the health insurance my family insist I get. 

Everyday is a chance to stay in the present moment. To reach out to people and let them in.following this dream is keeping me in the present. It hasn't been easy, as I dream up what my life can be. I wonder what my life could/would be like if I just didn't dream so big and stayed here in Highland Park. Who would I fall in love with? what could I build if I just stayed put? What connections would be made? But then a friend cheers me on and screams out, "This is going to be the most amazing adventure!!!" It will be, and I hope to share it with all my loves in Los Angeles and here. 

The picture above is what my life now looks like...an exploded backpack, prints of the book, and advil. For the past two weeks, I have gotten together soundscapes for the Ben Maltz Gallery's opening of "This Side of the 405," worked with Jinger Heffner a few days to help install the same show, 

worked with Kim Abeles as an art assistant, and had the most heart-wrenchingly wonderful going away dinner. 

Ten of my bestest friends, along with a friend who is a chef, created/enjoyed a 7 course meal to celebrate my going away. The chef's house is so beautifully decorated and the food was served with such love and precision, all of us floated from one course to another, drinking, talking, and laughing. the lights were a little low and the napkins were cloth, I looked around the table and saw four and a half years of really good decisions. Decisions to connect with artistic, loving, kind, funny people. When I first started running, I would get discouraged or want to stop, in those moments I would think of my friend Laurie cheering me on. I would sort of thinking of her holding me up lovingly as I ran. I now have these visual images of my best friends sitting around this table and outside in the glow of late night hanging lights, to hold me up while I get out on the road. When things get rough, I have dozens of friends that I will imagine and have their support instantly.All the hugs I got at the end of the night will keep me going. 

 So I have been working hard on making money and preparing for this trip. Along with this, Alen Catolico and I have met and he has shown me the drafts of the book treatment...and all I can say is this is going to be a stunning book that continues to be more than i could have imagined. Wow! Things keep rolling along with all the hard work Alen and I are putting into the concept and content of this book. 

Stay tuned! I will be posting lots of images and stories this coming two months! 

Love

Paige

 

Hand

Two years ago, I went to Santa Fe for the wedding of a dear friend. While there, like many tourists do, I felt compelled to buy something Southwestern. This hand piece stuck out to me. As an artist the hand is the conduit of creativity.
When I was a teen I took an art class in which I found a Mayan symbol...the blue hand...or something like that. As a youth I was searching for a symbol that I could relate to and my teacher had a book of Mayan symbols...to this day I sign my name with this hand symbol.
Well it all has come together this blue hand and this pendent purchase. When I thought up the Walk with ME project, I thought it came out of the blue but as I look at old notes and think about my artistic path this is a culmination of thoughts and acts. Which these relics of the past point to.

My bags are...

This morning, the love of my life left. ..my memory foam mattress...it went to a good home and I woke up with a stiff hip after sleeping on it for 11 hours... the mattress is asking me to get out of here.
My apartment is mostly clean.  The last of my possesions are being distributed to friends to watch over. Part of me wonders if I should have held on to my apartment and renting it out. But at this point my bags are almost packed and I have to get moving.